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I'm a girl, 18 years old, i remember a single moment from when i was 2 then my memory restarts at the age of five while i was in kindergarten. Happy memories are not ones where i am at my home. Since i was a child i felt like this wasn't a safe place, it wasn't my home it made me nervous. Always looking over my shoulder, hiding under the covers hiding in the corners knife held out of my small little hand for defense. I always use to carry something to protect myself as i walked through the house, i do remember that much. I use to sing jesus loves me to make the noises i would hear as i walked to my room go away. it always just creeped me out more. i had 2 friends in kindergarten that were good to me, aaron and jessica everyone else stabbed me in the back, which is funny thing for kids so young. both left in first grade and i was alone, i became friends with P in second. people continued to pick on me and backstab me...i couldnt have any other friends for that..i was a freak, dont know how but i was....p was taken by hayden in 3rd grade and in 4th dray came, didnt become friends with dray till 5th and p was still takin by hayden in 6th she started to pull away but when she wasnt with hayden she was with dray, in 7th and 8th grade p and dray hung out most the time and left me out of things, didnt bother me much but sometimes it did when i would do something on my own and one of them would get upset for me donig it without them, in 9th-11th we all became close again. in 8th a boy by the name of lee fell for me and asked me to a dance i went with him and we started dating, six or so months into dating i finaly figured out i didnt love him and said we need a break. we took it and he ******** a chick and flaunted every girl he got infront of me, and always said id never get anyone. i figured it was true but didnt give a s**t.....years passed and we're in 12th now dray has a bf now and i broke up with lee finaly after 4 years, i only got back together with him becuz my mother kept nagging me telling me i made a mistake and thought we were happy together, they claimed i was so depressed i was going anorexic and that i loved him they just didnt know what i was thinking so i took him back. p and her bf from 6th grade were never well from the start but they keep going and it kills me to see what he's turned her into, its not my pia anymore...is not the same little girl i grew up trying to help protect from others who would take advantage of her, not the same carefree little being with a constant smile...that smile is there but those beautiful brown eyes are hollow...nothings left of her anymore......and i cant do anything about it...dray is so happy and so wonderful and so amazing but she doesnt see it and she brings herself down and pulls you along with her...i love her so much but i fear for the relationships around her if she keeps her ways up....its even starting to get to me........
So what do i do?.......
my parents have never been exactly the best in the world...especialy since my sis came along...the first memory i have of my mom being pregnant is one where shes standing in the kitchen, the overhead flouresent sink light on and the full moon shining through the window lit up her pale jade green silky night gown, her hair was down and tussled and the beauty of it was amazing so amazing it made me, a tiny child of myabe 4 at the time, stop and stare...i dont know if that pregnancy is my sister or one of the ones that were lost tho...im not sure....i can understand her concerns but the way she handled the situation wasnt right for a 5 year old...i was 5 i didnt know better and i didnt do anything wrong really i was feeling my baby sister kick, i was excited i could feel her i had somone to expect to play with later on...i moved my hand to quickly to follow her kick and my mom screamed at me and slapped me.....i was stunned ran to bathroom and cried for a while...she denied she hit me but after a while i got over it...i remember laying near my sisters crib and watching her sleep..id worry if she was alive so id make a noise and then get in trouble...many times like that...momens where she stabbed me in the eye with a fork and i got yelled at for screaming cuz i scared her...her biting a chunk out of my back and me getting introuble again, all that yelling...all those years of knowing every problem my parents had, the yelling between them the comments of i wish i could go back to work to get away from here...threatening divorce, crazy grandparents claiming my parents arent right..im not right nothings every right, sister yelling to go away and your stupid, mom yelling she learnded it from me so shut up about it, the kicking and punching and pushing from her....comments of you need to be a better sister, you should be a better daughter...a better grandaughter...no wonder why im destroyed...or idk......im untrustworthy and lost in my head someone save me please
i make them work overtime to keep me sane and i cant type anymore
 Green_Guillotine · Mon Apr 07, 2008 @ 05:48am · 1 Comments |
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