To anyone and everyone who reads this: This is, more or less, how my life went as I know it. It is pretty much rambling, so I truely don't expect you to read all of it. If you do, please believe me when I say that what you're reading is exactly how I feel. So if I offend you somehow in anyway, I'm sorry in advance. If you feel sorry for me or something....don't be.
I've always thought, when I was younger, that my life would be full of fun and friends, a good job/income, and find someone I marry and live together. But it didn't take long to see how impossible it was. I'm only 18, and I already feel like I'm at life's dead end. Going back would repeat all kinds of things I don't like, and going forward would give me no future.
My parents always expected a lot from me. They had always worked to get me into a good school, getting me into classes on the weekends. On an average day, I would wake up, go straight to school, go straight home after school or go straight to a piano lesson, then at night it's schoolwork plus extra tutoring from my father. On Saturdays it's French lessons in the morning, Japanese lessons in the afternoon. Any free time I just spend at home or at my mother's office, playing some kind of electronic game. If the other student in the school aren't talking to me, they were picking on me. If they do talk to me, it's only because I have the latest games or something. It certainly didn't help that I went to an international school at a young age, and my English was just...horrible. I was getting overweight too, that became the basis of what people said about me in front and behind my back. I had no real friends; my parents were too busy with work to know what was going on; my teachers only noticed that I didn't do my homework properly, if at all. When I graduated into high school it went worse. One time I was in a race that requires us to ride each other piggyback, and of course I was self concious. So I refused to carry my partner in the middle of the race. Since my partner was a boy I started getting teased about how I "loved him", when I don't even know him other than his name. To make matters worse, false rumors spread about me to the point where an entire class would not allow me to visit their "homeroom". Worst was when someone wrote a "love letter" to my partner saying it's from me and had it posted on the school newsletter. Even the teachers believed it. Everyday during break time I would be on one of the higher floors, looking down, wondering if I should jump. Somehow I didn't, and somehow I endured it. Imagine my surprise when I was suddenly told by my father one day that I was going to go to Arizona and study there; I can finally escape!
It was truly an entirely new experiance to go to a boarding school in the States, away from home. I was only 11 years old when this happened. For the first two weeks I cried and cried because I've never been away from home and my parents like this. It was a tiny school in the middle of the Arizona wilderness, with the student body never going past 30. And since I arrived in the middle of the school year I didn't know anyone. Everyone was older then me, everyone knew each other. While I surprised people with my English I also raised concerns when I couldn't keep my room clean. What could I do? I've been raised by a nanny since I was a baby, I didn't know how to keep a room clean. It was another type of toture all over again. I grew horribly scared of the other girls who lived in the dorms with me because they would lecture me on cleaning up, or laundary, or something. Wasn't until I saw someone playing a game that I finally started talking outside of class. Very, very slowly I met new friends, thanks to my gaming or my photography interests. But even then I still felt distant from them, and I still struggled with schoolwork. I hated sports so I would never want to join them, nor did I like movies, or shopping, or fashion, or anything they like. At one point in my senior year my grades dropped so suddenly I was in danger of failing. I did manage to graduate, somehow...
Being in university, in a way, was liberating. I can choose to sleep whenever I want, do whatever I want in my spare time. It felt pretty good. But at the same time it was hard. I knew no one, and since my university's students are mostly American, I have no Asian friends to talk to. All the friends I made, I fell out of touch with. Since I can't drive, I spent just about 24/7 on campus. So my escape from that can only be the Internet. Combine that with my gaming hobby and I ended up joining and playing online games. Well, it certainly wasn't a bad choice. The first friend I made not only lead me to more friends, he also became my boyfriend. Even if it's all online, I'm grateful that I could make such a big group of friends...it's more than I've ever had. And as a boyfriend too! He's the first person to ever say "I love you" to me and mean it (not including my parents, of course, but even they rarely say it). Having a group of people you can have fun with and having someone to love is such a great feeling...I saw exactly what I missed for the past years.
But things never work out fine. Like I said, every friend I knew, I fall out of touch with them sooner or later. My father is having affairs with women while my mother is not going to divorve yet. I'm failing university and I know it. I've done things I regret. And my boyfriend could easily break up with me even though he didn't, maybe only because I booked flights to meet him this summer. And so many other things, big and small, that are bringing me down. Today, for the first time since so long, I was finally able to cry again. I feel that I did absolutely nothing for anyone, and that I'm going nowhere with my life. I'm not pretty, I don't have good grades, I don't have a dream, my parents are going to divorce, I have no friends in reality, my boyfriend... seems better off without me. To my friends online, I'm someone who's generous and friendly, but honestly that's because I want them to be happy and not be disappointed in me in anyway. The slightest failure and the slightest criticism makes me cry inside, if I can hold my tears in. I've smiled so little sometimes I completely forget how to. All the things I want to be, I can't be. From being a daughter to a friend, classmate, girlfriend, even as a human being, I'd say I've failed quite horribly.
I can't say I want to die, I'm actually quite scared of it. But I kind of wish I can just...disappear. Stop existing. Everyone's life going on as if they never met me. Wouldn't people be happier if that happened? Or maybe their life would be easier, or something. It's not like I'm good at anything, it's not like I'm worth anything. I've been treated as a nobody since I was young, why should people start caring now anyway? And I certainly do not deserve a boyfriend, despite what he or anyone says. I've been giving him so much worries and stress he'd really enjoy himself better if he find another girl, a girl more deserving than I am, and marry her.
There are so many things I could've added, but that'll be too boring to read. I hope my rambling has entertained you long enough. Good day to you.
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Sher's Journal
just random things going on about me
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