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I really don't care if anyone comments on this entry, but, yeah, I just have a lot on my mind. I think I make myself look at my life in to much of a negative view and that probably doesn't help at all. My life really isn't that bad... sure I don't have a mom, and my dad is being stolen away from me by his slut hick of a girlfriend making my family get pretty against him, but it could be worse...that is just how I am gonna have to look at things. Just count my blessings and hope for the best. People have it much worse than me in other places, like children in Africa. I often look to my silly dog who I just gave a bath laying in the dirt, basking in the sun in the afternoon looking completely contempt, and I think to myself..'he was taken from his parents, and from what he called home, sent to a pound, and now after everything he has gone through, he is able to just relax and be happy' I just hope that my life eventually makes that kind of a turn around. A turn for the better. I have a lot to be thankful for, but my friends are up at the top in my list. All of them are just unimaginable. I could wake up crying and just be in the darkest mood, and once I arrive at school and become surrounded by them, I can't help but to smile, and that is all I can do. I often times think that I don't deserve them, and that they deserve better than me, but if I told them that, they would blow up in my face saying I was awesome, just proving my point more, so weather or not people actually read this or not, I want to give a shout to Katie, Emily, Mia, Sabrina, Julia, Sophia, Kelsey, Terra, Daniella, Laura, Catey (even if she is evil), Tonya, Cory; you guys are WAY more than any person can wish for in friends. You all make up for the lack of real family I have. I see people across the street and all around me, the adults who already have their lives set up and I often find myself wondering how in the seven hells am I going to be able to become that stable? I see myself now; you can't see a rug on my floor of my bedroom (if there even is one) I have a desk somewhere under passive piles of junk (if I even still have a desk), and my closet who has a new victim each week, and I just can't picture myself married, settled down with a clean house and a consistent job all organized and such. Right now I just lay around watching tv, playing video games, internet, dirtbike, swimteam, and I just can't see myself in 10 years! Kinda sad, huh?

Okay, now I am trusting people to not get to offended or creept out by my next section, cause this comes straight from my actual journal. Just remember, this is what I felt at the time, my beliefs, and my look onto things, so don't take things personally!

"You say you read me like a book, but the pages are all torn and frayed"
-MCR (My Chemical Romance)

This quote has definately struck a chord inside of me. People think they know me. they think interacting with me for a long time spand means they know who I am & what I am about, but how can they really? i don't even think I know myself much. My "pages", the pages of my book (mind and soul) are so scattered and torn, they are placed so chaoticly, I can't even make much sense of what my thoughts mean and represent. Actually,when I explain it, it seems rather pathetic of me, or even, maybe a little selfcentered/rude. I guess with what I have been through I should be somewhat "scattered" or "missplaced", but the things I think about scare me. I now tend to find my thoughts on death and the afterlife, the path to heaven paved by Jesus, whether it hurts to die, do you get put into a different life after you die? What if life turns out to be a never-ending cycle of being born, living, dieing, and then getting reasigned to a different life forgetting about the previous? We would never know then. We outcast the people who say this really exists and that really exists in society saying that what those people speak of is "imagionary", "mythical", or simply state the people are insane and send them to an asylum.
They are all just afraid. Afraid that something like those myths could be real. We fear what we have no knowledge of. We strice to be the best whether you want to admit it or not. We want to be top, we strive to be superior in one way or another. It will lead to our downfall. One day, we are going to progress to far and learn to much that the earth or another 3rd party force is going to have to rid the earth of us and start new and, hopefully, have a better outcome. It is bound to happen. Scientists say that we still have a nice number of years until we run out of resources, but face it, when it finally comes, it will seem it came to soon, and then people will point fingers at everyone else saying that it is their fault and not their own. They will blame it on everyone except them thinking they had nothing to do with it. We are all helping in our eventual downfall, and when that downfall comes, everyone is gonna regret not having done something about it before hand. Regret... something thatunfortunetly is big in my life. I regret not hanging out more with my mom while I still had the chance, I regret not giving my pets a better life ( even though they were spoiled). I regret telling my dad he could date, I regret not being more responsible, I regret locking myself up, I regret not taking any chances I had to do something different, I regret being shy, I regret not keeping in contact with family I should, I regret not keeping in touch with old friends, I regret taking advantage of what I have/had, I regret bragging, I regret being defensive, I regret being spoiled & not being open-minded & lazy & not the best friend I could be, and the list goes on and on. There are many things I regret in my life, and many things I will regret, many things I wish I would have done, but I try not to dwell on it all so much. I did dwell for some time, and during that time, I pretty much distanced myself from everyone, and I kept to myself and close friends. I thought that I could escape if I secluded myself, but it didn't help. I was more lost and depressed then, then I ever was. Once I opened up and forgot what I was hovering over, I found a light peace. Even though I can find peace in friends, you truly can trust no one. This is a lesson to learn, when you trust, you are opening up yourself to get shot down. As much as I know this is true, I can't not trust people. I trust my friends a lot! Maybe I trust to easily. I love my friends, but if they decide to leave me, who is always still there for me? Me. But then again, can I even trust myself?

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