|
|
|
Instant messages are being archived on this computer.
View Full Archive (Alt+Shift+V) Archiving Preferences (Ctrl+Shift+P)
YinYang YangYin: it's not stupid, it's a nice idea
Stephanie Alyssa: Really?
YinYang YangYin: but... I guess I never really thought about the future, I only thought about now, and how to made me so happy. How seeing you laugh warmed me so much, and every time you snapped at me, how i wanted to jump off a cliff.
YinYang YangYin: But I don't know, I don't see things working out with anyone else. They can't give me the attention you can
Stephanie Alyssa: I know...and I'm scared that I won't find anyone either. I've never even hung out with a boy in a casual situation before. Not one single one...well besides Cole...but I think I can exclude him considering he's my cousin. There is so much pressure around boys. I don't know how to act or what to do and the situation becomes akward....and it's just retarded to try and find another girl because if I had that opption I would stick with you.
Stephanie Alyssa: I'm just saying that eventually being married and having kids is something that I'm striving to one day obtain. It might work out and it might not. If it doesn't work out and I just can't stop having feelings for you, and I hate life with my husband..he won't catch me in bed with you, I'll just have to tell him the truth, and that's the point when I feel like I can tell my family the truth because they won't be able to blame anything on you, and they will know that I tried to be normal but my feelings for you are just THAT strong. My mom said that if she knew for absolute truth that I really was that way, she would accept it.
Stephanie Alyssa: So I thought I would try it her way and see how things work out
Stephanie Alyssa: I've just always conforted myself and any contraditions by saying that no matter what I did could be un-did if I hated it too much.
YinYang YangYin: What about my feelings? What about what I'll have to go though, standing at maybe your wedding someday, watching you go and be with someone else?
YinYang YangYin: No, I'm being selfish, if that's what you really want someday, then I'll accpect it. I'll be happy to be there, and I'll be even more happy to know that at least I'm in your life
Stephanie Alyssa: No no, I've thought of that too
Stephanie Alyssa: Don't think for one second I haven't taken you into consideration in all of this
Stephanie Alyssa: If we really wind up being together. I'll have to tell my family
YinYang YangYin: I can handle this. I'm a big girl. I've come a long way, and I need to know when things are out of my reach. I want you to know, that I will always be there for you, no matter what. Under any cercumstances
Stephanie Alyssa: If they hate me, I'll hate myself, you'd have to deal with me being depressed and anxious and all kind of s**t as a side effect because I'll always feel like a screw up. Like I failed the people I said would always come first no matter what. Like I let them down, like I'm nothing but a dissapointment. I thought that you would rather see me with someone else then be stuck with me like that.
Stephanie Alyssa: I know you've come a long way...I'm glad that you'll always be there no matter what and that you'll live your life for me and that I'll always be able to be there for you too.
YinYang YangYin: Both... situations would hurt me
Stephanie Alyssa: I know that
Stephanie Alyssa: But which would hurt you less?
YinYang YangYin: I don't know. It would hurt me, to see you with someone else, it would tear me apart inside... but knowing that you picked your family over me, felt like you were a failure because you picked me, and then being depressed about it, probably hurts more. I mean... after all... wouldn't that be just like saying. 'Yeah i'm with you, but I hate it, because my family, who means more, hates me now.'
YinYang YangYin: I have never made you pick between me and your family, at least I've never tried too. But you know that deep down inside, I always wished you'd prevail, and want me more. But I sopose I don't understand. I've never had a loving family
Stephanie Alyssa: My family doesn't mean more to me than you
Stephanie Alyssa: You both mean the same
Stephanie Alyssa: Your both equal in my heart and I can't live with either one of you
Stephanie Alyssa: The fact of the matter is that I have more faith in you to stick with me no matter what
YinYang YangYin: I've never had a family, that I would change what I was like just to impress them. I never had a family that made me feel like s**t just because of a desicion I made, and even if I did, I sopose I wouldn't care, because I would think that, since I'm spending my life with this person whom I want to be with, it'd be more important.
YinYang YangYin: I hate it!
YinYang YangYin: I've always wished I had a family like yours
YinYang YangYin: people who cared, and actually talked, lived near by.
YinYang YangYin: People who I would want to impress.
YinYang YangYin: but I never have, and never will. I don't know what it's like to have my family dissapointed in me, because they always are.
Stephanie Alyssa: -hugs- I'm sorry baby...I wanted to give you everything you ever wanted. I wanted to make you the happiest person in the world and instead I've hurt you more than anyone probably ever has and ever will. I'm a terrible person and I'm so sorry that I failed you. I never should have said anything
Stephanie Alyssa: I can't take it back, now it will always be there
Stephanie Alyssa: You should hate me
YinYang YangYin: I don't hate you
Stephanie Alyssa: I have betrayed you
YinYang YangYin: and I told you before
YinYang YangYin: I'm glad that you told me
YinYang YangYin: it would have hurt more, finding out later in life
Stephanie Alyssa: I'm not glad I told you
Stephanie Alyssa: I hate myself
Stephanie Alyssa: I want to die
YinYang YangYin: please
YinYang YangYin: don't say that
YinYang YangYin: like I said
YinYang YangYin: if I can handle this
YinYang YangYin: I know you can
Stephanie Alyssa: No matter what choice I make I'm going to hurt someone I love really badly
YinYang YangYin: that's why I've never made you choose...
Stephanie Alyssa: I can't handle this mass amount of guilt
Show Recent Messages (F3)
YinYang YangYin: don't feel guilty...
Stephanie Alyssa: I can't help it
Stephanie Alyssa: I'm working so hard for my 'bright' future and I don't even know what I want in my future
Stephanie Alyssa: You never have made me choose, but I will have to choose.
Stephanie Alyssa: Either I choose you and I hurt my mom or I choose someone else and I hurt you
Stephanie Alyssa: By hurting either one of you, I'll be hurt
YinYang YangYin: don't think about hurting me
YinYang YangYin: because no matter what
YinYang YangYin: I'll be there, and I can get though anything thrown at me.
YinYang YangYin: I may seem weak and emotional, but when it comes to you, I can overcome those things
YinYang YangYin: just by being in your life, is enough to make me happy
YinYang YangYin: you saved me, you know. That's enough to be greatful for
Stephanie Alyssa: I love you so much
YinYang YangYin: I know you do
YinYang YangYin: and you know I love you
Stephanie Alyssa: I wish you were here
Stephanie Alyssa: I really wish you were here
YinYang YangYin: If I were there, this wouldn't be happening, sweetheart. I'm a chicken.
YinYang YangYin: I can't verbally confront things
Stephanie Alyssa: I know but now that all of this is said I need you
Stephanie Alyssa: I don't care what happens in the future, I want to stay being your girlfriend for now...maybe the world will end next year and all of us will die and it will wind up not mattering...
YinYang YangYin: That's.... bright way of putting it
Stephanie Alyssa: Well it's true...or maybe we'll get into a tragic car accident and die together
Stephanie Alyssa: a week from now
YinYang YangYin: Wow
Stephanie Alyssa: Well it's true
Stephanie Alyssa: You never know what's going to happen.
Stephanie Alyssa: I love being your girlfriend, I love you being my girlfriend
Stephanie Alyssa: For now...can't we just leave it at that, and deal with the other stuff as it comes?
YinYang YangYin: I'm even scarer now
Stephanie Alyssa: Why?
YinYang YangYin: Now I don't know when I'm crossing the line
Stephanie Alyssa: What do you mean?
YinYang YangYin: I mean
YinYang YangYin: like... I don't know
Stephanie Alyssa: I don't see a reason for anything to change...
Stephanie Alyssa: I mean...if you don't want to continue to be lovers then you should say so now
YinYang YangYin: no, i want too. I really want too
Stephanie Alyssa: Are you sure? I don't want you to feel like your living a lie...
YinYang YangYin: Yes I am sure
Stephanie Alyssa: I want to be that person that you strive to impress...because I get dissapointed in you and proud of you just the way my family does me, only I'm more open minded than my family.
Stephanie Alyssa: And of course, I love you and want you to bear my children if that were possible
Stephanie Alyssa: which is a little different from my family and me cause i don't think any of them feel the same way I feel about you.
Stephanie Alyssa: They arn't like "Stephanie I wish I could marry you."
Stephanie Alyssa: Anyway...I mean...like...how badly is this going to affect the way you feel around me?
YinYang YangYin: I don't know. I'm scared. I'm afraid, I don't want to scare you away, and i'm afraid things might crash
Stephanie Alyssa: Your not going to scare me away, I love you too much
YinYang YangYin: I don't want to be a freaky Ben person
Stephanie Alyssa: lol, I don't think you'll be a freaky Ben person. YOu and Ben are completely different
Stephanie Alyssa: I'm more afraid that now that I've told you all of this, it will never be out of your mind and you'll recluse away from me because your scared.
Stephanie Alyssa: If anyone is scaring anyone off, it's me scaring you away...
Stephanie Alyssa: That's the only thing I'm afraid of right now
YinYang YangYin: I am scared. But I could never not want to be around you...
YinYang YangYin: your just so beautiful... and amazing, your brillant in a way, that I sopose only I can see.
Stephanie Alyssa: I feel the same way about you, you know.
Stephanie Alyssa: I don't want to lose any closeness that we have
Stephanie Alyssa: One of my favorite things is when I take you home and walk you inside just to have you walk back to my car so that we can kiss goodbye.
Stephanie Alyssa: I love that about you that your willing to make a trip just to kiss me goodbye, and it makes having to take you home just a little easier.
YinYang YangYin: I'm glad, I love that too.
YinYang YangYin: Of course, I'll walk twenty miles, just to kiss you goodbye
Stephanie Alyssa: lol! >.<
Stephanie Alyssa: Hey if you put all those trips together I bet it would come out to more than that.
YinYang YangYin: XD
YinYang YangYin: I bet so
 Savvi · Fri Jan 25, 2008 @ 08:01am · 0 Comments |
|
|
|
|
|
