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Lust
Sit back and prepare yourself for a very long entry, if anyone even reads it...
My room is trashed. s**t is laying everywhere, dirt and dirty cloths are on the floor, my laptop area has so many peices of loose leaf paper scattered and balled up from my attemps to write something to Chris, the closet is amuk from top to bottom and the dresser is to horrible to even mention...only thing clean is my bed, which I plan to sleep on for a very long time. Atleast until WOE, I stupidly promised Skilled I would attend...
My body's trashed....I feel overworked, edgy, fustrated with my life as a whole as well as other miscellenous things.
My train of thought...is...invalid...? A bit mummbled and confused with the many things my "adult hood" is going to bring to me...
I keep thinkign about the future. This "hope" I have of the many possibilities that are presented to me. So many things I am capable of doing yet I'm to "afraid" to do anything...
I think, despite what everyone else may say, my fear is the worst quality about me. I'm so scared of making the wrong move, saying the wrong thing, making the wrong impression...and for what? When I am concerned, just give it a little time and the person will be bored with me and move on. Well, for some it takes a little longer but in the end its the same old result. I really don't know why I even try anymore. No, I'm not sucidal right now nor am I contemplating it; death isn't worth it when I can just quit now and ride out the rest of my miserable life with the rest of my failing generation.
All I do is complain anymore. My life is so bad...my mom is so mean...life is so hard...I'm like a broken record and I feel bad inside for all the people I have ever pestered about my life. Nowadays it seems all I can do is just look at how bad everything is, how horrible life keeps getting for me as I start to realize more and more things and it just...hurts.
There I go again, complaing.
Was I always like this? Have I always been nothin but a pile of whining emo bullshit? ....is that all I am anymore? Where did happy go...where has giggling idiot run off to....why the ******** does it have to be like this?!
It feels "unfair", but I'm doing this to myself ya know. I'm just sitting back, being lazy, and watching s**t happen as if there isn't a thing I can do about it. Letting people I care for just go because chasing after them would make me seem like a stalker and not doing anything would make them feel less valued by me.
It isn't that, its not that at all.
My heart is broken, and my hope has died. Thats not a complaint there, I'm just stating how I feel. Or is that complaining too...? Actually, at the moment my heart is beating kinda fast and I'm crying a little. I'm tryin to wipe my eyes a little, I can't really touch my face because I was babysitting last night and just got home and am in need of a shower.
I wonder why I complain so much....why I am like that, as well as my other qualities that make me unintresting. I'm a very unintresting person...I wonder why...what makes me so lame and boring?
Maybe its just my life style? Wake up, go to school, come home, play online, ocassionaly eat, and then sleep. All I do, day in and day out. I dont' study or do homework at home, I just lounge around. Thats boring as ******** and I don't know how I can even say I have a "life" when thats all I do...I don't bother myslf with people, I don't hang out with my friends...no kinda life at all. Then again, its more like "friend? what friends?" with me.
Friends, associated, etc....I wonder why I'm not good at that either. Perhaps the sheltered life, abuse, and child molestation? Thats not a good excuse to me, not one at all. People always make up reasons for why the don't do s**t right, why they are inadequet and that bothers me. Don't make excuses and give reasons, just be better. Just stop. I refuse to let the problems of my past prevent me from "being all that I can be", and although that does give me a little hope I've lost faith in myself...so hope really doesn't matter.
I just dont' like the person I am. I don't like myself at all, and I wish more than anything I could just..get away from me. That, though, would be nonexistance which is ultimatly death and no...I dont' feel like dieing right now.
My life isn't even complicated at all, yet it feels like I have to much to do and worry over to even funtion correctly. I always feel my life is "so bad", and when people say "oh, others out there have it worse" that pisses me off...I wonder why?
But back to friends...what is it with me, lust, and friends that (no matter the situation) I always find myself in? Why do I lust so ******** much? Lust is what ******** up my relationship attemps, lust is what ruining this ******** "life" I have. Why? Why? Why?! ...its just, not right...I don't have a shot at that "ideal" love I want because I always end up being sexually intrested in another person. I dont' wanna be with that person, I don't want to hang out with them, I just wanna ******** the day away and then who cares if someone gets hurt?
...I don't want to be like that. I guess I just feel that way because its been almost 6 months of no sex and yes it is driving me crazy. It was easy as hell to turn me on but hard as ******** to turn me off...I just...I dont' like this...how am I ever going to know if I really care abotu someone or if I just wanna have sex? I can't know at all because I havent' even been in enough relationships to understand this s**t. This isn't the kinda stuff I should be worrying about now, I should just be a nice and quiet and obediant good girl and I'm not and that ******** with my head so much....I'm not even doing anything bad and I feel like the worst ******** person in th world....
Since I am offically 17 1/2, I can start applying to those "18 and older" jobs...I need a job...I need to get out of this house and away from all you ******** net people because all you do is hurt me...no...I mean...its not all you do, you make me happy but for some reason I can never make you feel the same...
Its always some ******** problem with me...Why am I so much drama? Why do I cause so many problems...its not like I mean to, its never my intent to be so bad...I just...and if I'm not causing problems, I'm just "100% bored oh my god I have so many better things to do right now" to everyone else...I'm just so damn unintresting and thats eating me alive....then when I try to be intresting, it pushs people away and then I end up lonely.
I wonder if that is how I am destined to be...just alone. I'm used to being alone, being alone is my entire childhood in a nutshell, but I'm not used to having friends or people who care about me. Now that I seem to have those things, I dont' know how to take care of them to keep them around. I don't know what to do to keep those people satisfied and they just...come and go out of my life as they please and it hurts so much because I feel like a failure as a friend and a failure as a human being in general.
I think, to stop my complaining problem...I'll just quit talking. Quit thinking. As far as being intresting to keep "friends" around and happy...if I really am a friend to these people they'll stick around regardless. That is a true friend, and if they don't feel that strongly about me then we shouldnt' hang out. Yes, I am afraid to be seperated from people I feel I have grown so close to...but I'd rather have no friendships instead of unhappy ones...
I saw the house we're moving to. My mom picked it out, 4 bedrooms 1 1/2 bathrooms, a deck, a fenced in back yard, very good neighborhood and only $800 a month for rent. Its up by the Eastland Mall, the little suburb wanna-be things around it. My mom said when we move lots of things are going to change, like no more goin out to eat or gettin new things and shiz...
In a way, I don't care about that because when I turn 18 I am getting the hell out of this house and away from all of you (and I mean every single person I know) bad people and starting over...I really think thats what I will do. Like...before I said it and I meant it as just the internet but maybe if I am "reborn" I can live with myself a little easier, be able to make people happy and s**t...there is no "if I can't" to this, because if I can't I'm taking the cowards way out of life and just saying ******** it...again, a case of giving it my all and having shitty results.
I keep wondering about whats going to happen when I turn 18. I'm going to be honest...this will sound pathetic and stupid as hell but this is kinda the reason why this rant is so ******** up...so here.
For the last 8 or so months, ever since I confessed to Chris (a.k.a. Onii-san) that I loved him, I wanted more than anything else to go and visit him after I graduated from high school and who knew...maybe if I liked his little area of the world and we liked eachhother...maybe I'd stay there for a while and be with him. My thoughts about doing that hadn't changed at all; I still even wanna do that now...but now I'm confused to if I should even go and see him...That pathetic hope of getting to see him and maybe even be with him as more than just a friend (even though I figured he wouldn't like me like that, I mean a girl can dream can't she?..and if the dream failed I'd always have his friendship which I value more than anything)is what has kept me going. Little daydreams and happy thoughts and things of that nature just gave me a little hope that maybe everything wasn't as bad as I was making it seem. There were some thing in the world, a real life thing, that in my eyes was pure, special, and lovely in every way...no, he's not that ******** up American idea of perfect or know's how to say all the right things sometimes or whatever ******** flaw you can think of....but to me, that was my perfect. Something real that existed that I actually liked and loved with every bit of myself no matter what mood I was in. It just...felt so right, you know? Even though we didn't see eachtother everyday or talk on the phone or even keep daily messages sometimes...that just...it didn't matter to me. Why? 'cause I loved him, and I thought of him lots and he said he thought of me so that made it all alright. I felt so close to him no matter how many messages I got in a day...I just...I....
I guess, again I failed. I kept pressing to talk on the phone and for pictures and stuff because this is to much of my idea of "perfect" for him to be real. I messed up, just like that. I shoulda just accepted it, you know? and just said ok and stuff and now I messed everything up and I keep having to stop cause I'm cryin all hard again. I just feel so damn stupid, being persistant just made everything worse....I wish I was more outgoing and more open then none of this would matter now...
See...I got this thing abotu being afraid to talk to people I don't know irl on the phone. I dont' even talk to my actual ******** friends from schooll on the phone...but since the net people and I have common intrests, its just harder....my friends and I just bullshit talk; we're not real or close like I said in the past I only keep with them because they amuse me. The people who know the real deal s**t about me, like Kevin and Josh and Joey...I mean I think like...you know how long it took for them to get me to talk to them? Forever...and even when we did talk I was unsure of what to say because I hate my voice with a passion. I mean, I grew out of it, but I know for a fact those three pushed me to talk to them....and with me, I may want to do something but I'm to ******** scared to do it. So I have to be "forced" in a sense, because...I dunno...like when I'm forced to do something I think I do it better. I have less regrets because I "had" to do it. ...::sigh::
back on topic now...I just...see...I have this message from Chris I dont' know how to reply to it....I mean I cried after I read it and stuff and all I can think to say it just "...".
I failed him as a friend...overall I ******** up so badly. And I wanna just go back into my little shell and hide from everyone again...I mean you just dont' ******** get how badly I feel right now...
Do I ever do anything right? Can I ever make anyone happy?
...I think, that maybe Chris just wants me to go away. It's not the first time I have recieved this sort of message from him, I think its the thrid...but like I respond and then he says sorry for making that message and we just move on...but...just...I mean....I should just take the hint and leave him alone....I been trying to hard to keep this going for to long, and I should just not bother him anymore. Maybe he just doesn't want to be mean and be blunt about it but just...I dunno...I dunno anything anymore
I guess...that just everything I wanted was nothing but a fantasy. Just stupid of me to ever thing anything, even a friendship, could exist between him and I and that hurts so much...
I thought everything was ok to be honest...I was gunna start comming online earlier during the weekdays so I could talk with him more on Gaia (when he's actually on) since school is out now and I'd catch back up and everything would be ok again...I mean, I just thougth it was bad 'cause I was in school but thats ober now it should be ok and its not and just...just....
...
He said he was scared to talk to me on the phone...like I care...like before he said he didn't like his voice, and I don't care about stupid s**t like that. I wouldn't dislike him if he had a goofy voice I just wouldnt' care cause he's Chris and I love him so damn much...its just...I mean....we've known eachother all this time and he's worried about something like that. It doesn't matter to me, I'd be happy as hell just to hear him talk. That would make my world spin a little faster and make it brighter I dun care if he sounded like Donald Duck or Ernie or whatever....just llike...thats like being closer to him...and then when I visited I'd be all used to him and stuff...but I don't think I can do that now, I don't think he wants me to anymore...its the same things with pictures I think. From the picture I saw, I think Chris is cute. What I think, to me, is what matters. Unless he has six eyes and two extra legs I missed I'm almost postive I'll be fine with what he looks like. I'm not shallow damn it, he's a beautiful person inside (and despite what he thinks, out side too) and thats more imporant than anything else and nothing will ever make me feel diffrently.
He always said...like, he did more harm to me than good. Like he made me sad more than anythign else and thats not true and...he just doesn't get it. Even though I'm crying now, I still love him and care for him and this doesn't make me like him any less. I'm just hurt now because of the situation and how I can't do s**t about it....
To him, we can never be anything, even friends, because its not "realistic"...I wonder what made him change like this, its all suden to me and s**t; but maybe it's been boiling over and I was just to absorbed into my own life to see what was happening. I just...always thought he would be there, 'cause I'm so used to him now and just...::sigh::
He said he doesn't know what to say to me...and thats why its hard to talk. Maybe I should just talk about myself more or somerthing? I don't think I can thoughh, I hate talking about myself it makes me feel concided and self absorbed. But I want this to work more than I think I ever have wanted anything to work before...Chris just means so much to me and I dont' want to lose him...
Its strange to me, that I really think I'd do anything for him. I'd take a bullet for 'em, I'd give him a lung of mines if he needed it, I'd do anything I can think of to keep him safe and happy and I don't even really know him...yes, I'm attached to him and I don't wanna let go. I just feel so comfortable when I talk to him and think of him and stuff...except when i think dirty stuff, then I feel bad 'cause he doesn't want me to think like that I think....
I don't know anything for sure. I wanna be blunt and just ask him stuff but I can't do that...my last message to him was blunt and now that ******** message has me in tears.
...I guess, re-reading all that now, I'm obsessed with him huh? God I can't do any ******** thing right.....
....
I have been thinking about my future alot lately, and I really thought (and wanted) Chris to be apart of it but I guess its just to unrealistic to ever work out...::sigh:: So...now...I dunno what I want to do with my life...just go to college I guess, but I don't even know which one I want to get into. For me to be 17 I sure as hell did a shitty job of planning for the future. Its hard for me to do it too, because out of all the people in my family...I'm the first one to do anything I'm doing. Get a 4.0 in school, be going to college, have a career I want to persue...like...my mom and dad never finished high school. My aunts and uncles just work odd jobs they can find except my one aunt who is stuck up and wont' even try to help me. My cousins all got knocked up before they graduated high school...so here I am, trying to go to college full-time and get a real career with no one to even ask advice to. No one knows anything that can help me, I feel so akward taking babysteps alone into the world...based on my family, I feel like the odds are aganist me to suceed...but I just gotta keep going and trying to do well...I have to...
I didn't leave from babysitting till 1pm. I was at the employers house 27 hours, they didn't get home till 12pm but I was watching this movie and didn't go right when I shoulda. I was driving home with my mom and I looked at my wrists to see if I had any marks from when I used to cut and I noticed something. For one, the marks are gone and for two, my wrists are really, really small...my mom said its 'cause I'm losing weight, but I dun think I am. I'm way to fat, I need to go on a diet and stuff. Once we move to our new house, I can go outside and work out which I am almost dieing in anticipation for...and I get a bigger room.
Since I did my main rant, I guess I can retouch on some stuff I was trying to say earlier...
Lust is really ******** up my life. No, I'm not having sex with anyone right now...but yes, I think of it alot and it makes me feel lonely. Like someone said to me in the past, it feels weird/alkward to watch porn now and makes me feel like a bad person.
There is a person in particular I am especially lusting over right now. I don't wanna be with the person ina relationship, I just wanna know what sex with them would be like. 'cuase he's all shy and innocent and stuff and quiet frankly I can't picture him having sex. But he says he wants to and stuff and see...thats the problem. I usually don't just lust over a person, this thing with this guy was just a crush. Thats all it was at first 'cause he was so adorable and innocent I mean you should hear him speak and stuff his voice is so soft and adorable....getting off subject...anyway, he is intrested in me too. Which is bad, because I'm taken now. Putting me in an akward position. No, not akward...it just makes me question stuff now. Like if I really want to be in a relationship or if I wanna go and see what other people are llike sexually still.
I don't think thius is really lust though, I mean, I'm just horny as hell from 6 months of no sex. Thats all this is. The guy lives on the other side of the world (not literally) so nothing can happen anway. We just talk abotu sex alot x_X Plus, I would hate myself forever if I did anythign with him 'cause I'm in a relationship now.
Wow...I can't believe its been almost 6 whole months...its such a long time...I mean, not really, but it is.
Ooooo...now this feels more like a regular journal entry...now I'm more relaxed and I quit crying and stuff...
I watched Gothica again on HBO in Demand. It made more sense when I watched it from the begining heart It made me sad though too ._. I watched Ella Enchanted too, because I heart fairytales~! I wanna read the orginal tale though 3nodding I love fiction~<3 I watched Mimic too...and now after watching it, =x I see i got it confused with the movie "the fly" I think its called. The one with the man who turns into a fly. 3nodding I thought it was the same movie and I was soooooooo wrong gonk So now I have to watch the fly to find out! s**t, I rememver XP I gotta get the Joy Luck Club movie too, cause we got 75% done with the movie and then school was over =_=
My ear itch's gonk
...and I'm sorru x_x but I need to take a shower because its hot, I been sweatign, and my skin feels sticky as hell and its really botherin me...so bye whee heart
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