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My mind is blown but it's my own. |
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Preface. Or apology. Or perhaps a warning to all those that would go beyond this point in this entry.
This is a preface because I wanted to explain what I am doing with this entry. I wanted to do something special with it and also wanted to reach out to people who I never talk to, either enough or at all anymore. I wanted to...perhaps tuck an Easter egg, of a kind, into my journal for the people that sneak back in here every now and again just to see what the hell are the rambling, incoherent thoughts of the Radiance for the moment. This is also the only way I can think of to give back some of the smiles you guys have given me. To say thank you, though it is and never will be enough.
It is also an apology, which I know I have worn first thin and then completely out. I am not online or talking enough to anyone anymore and I know I am letting you guys down. I just can not accept defeat, however, and so while I do keep trying, every moment is another moment burnt out and used. So while there are no excuses or apologizes or reasons that are good enough, I have to say that some of you mean much more to me then I let on or show. Which is a shame, considering that you all mean as much to me as you do; I just suck at showing it. And in an odd kind of way, my own inability of showing people how I care has made me look at others differently. If I can suck so much and yet be trying so hard to show the good side...and I keep failing miserably and being a p***k...Well, it just says to me that maybe others are doing it, too. So therefore I need to be cutting people breaks; sometimes, as the worn quote says, things are not as simple as they may appear.
The warning here is that beyond the cut there's going to be another of my whopper entries and this is the best way I know of to warn people before-hand and give you guys an easy out. I hear more often then not how I type too much. Popular feedback says no one wants to read that much and so I want to warn you before you clicky that there's even more where this little peek came from. You don't have to go on but I thank you for doing it and thank you even more for coming in the first place.
But for the most part, this can be called a preface. The idea behind this entry was to take all the people on my Friend's List and to give my personal thanks for putting up with me (for one) but for teaching me something. I believe that I am here on this world for a purpose and that everything I learn in this life- be it how to break down a sentence to how to stand on my head- is part of that purpose. I do not believe in accidents or random chaos, because I believe that even random chaos has its reason. Every one of you guys has taught me something and I can never thank you enough for doing that for me. You all have helped me to grow- not just here but in real life, too. Most importantly in real life. I love Gaia and I love how neat the entire online thing is but at the end of the day I am still me, I still have a large life offline that needs to be dealt with; Gaia is one the tumbles in the trip down the rabbit hole and I am thankful for it and for everyone on here. I have strived for so long to not cross the two worlds because I knew no good would come of it but here we are, four years later and I can not thank you guys enough for putting up with me, teaching me things, showing me new and wonderful things about life and people, and making me feel...welcomed and wanted.
Useful, I guess would be a better word.
But on with the show and enough rambling. Already I know this has been too much but it is very rare I get to do what I am doing now and I breath it in deep when I can, because I never know when the next moment like this will come, if it ever will.
My trick to this entry is that I am not going to list any names; just the lessons you each have taught me in the order that you are on my Friend's List. Why? Because I liked the idea, that is why. Will I tell anyone who's who? No. I am keeping that to myself. This entry is like a costume ball and we are all masked. And I love you all for letting me join in the dance.
<span id="test14497001">. . .</span><br/><div id="post14497001" style="display:none; margin-right:75px;">I could make an entire entry about all things I have learned from you. There's no easy place to begin, either. You have helped to show me the difference between a real friend and someone who is just using you; you also showed me that no matter how it might hurt, sometimes you just have to...let go. None of us are perfect; not a damn one of us can ever truly show ourselves to another person because in the end everyone sees what they want to see, no matter what it is that they are shown. You helped to show me the difference between trying to let someone in and their fear of being hurt keeping them from getting close enough...to having the door slammed in your face repeatedly no matter what you tried to do to keep it open. The door was open. Now it is closed. I like to think you might have learned something as well but in the end, I know I was just another bad guy. There's a lesson in that, too, and you showed me that better than anyone ever had before. Thank you for that. You helped me to grow.
You taught me so much about other people and how they view and interpret the world about them; how very different we all are. When we do talk, all I can see is the large gaps between your logic and what you see in the world compared to mine and what I see...but it does not sadden me, rather it leaves me in awe that as different as we are, we can still meet half-way in the middle. You helped to teach me patience in the middle of a crisis, to not lash out no matter how much better it might make me feel for the moment, to be kind to the other person no matter what, and to have faith when there seems to be no reason to have it. You helped to make me see that my problems are nothing compared to others; no matter what is going on in my life, I need to be there for everyone else and to be strong. A good leader does that. A good leader is a rock. Steady and strong and not letting stupid s**t get to them because that would risk the greater good. You helped to show me the difference between the stupid s**t and what really matters. You help every day to make me a better person; all I have to do is think of you and it clears my vision. I need that done often and not once have you ever failed to do that.
You taught me to look deeper and to not read too much into things at the same time. You taught me that sometimes just taking things in as they are and not adding on too much as you stare will give you a better idea then any scrutiny; that meanings are there if we look for them but to not complicate them needlessly. There's a difference between seeing and looking and you helped to hammer that in to my thick skull.
Some people will always think and remember good of you no matter how much you ******** up. For some odd reason, you still do that when it comes to me. Thank you for that. Knowing that you have not forgotten me all these years means a lot; knowing that sometimes one does good without even trying is a priceless lesson.
You taught me that everyone has a life beyond what is visible- like on Gaia, for instance. This is an entire world to most of us...and for must of us it is only one of many that we walk and exist in, all simultaneously. You helped me to see the magic in that and how it makes all of us what we are. How there's always more then meets the eye.
You taught me that the deepest waters make the least amount of noise. I had no real idea how true that was until you. That one little truth really opened my eyes wide to the world and the people around me. It's amazing how the simple things really do allude us. Thank you for giving me a large truth in such a little amount of time.
There's promises made and broken every moment of every day. The lies and the truth are interchangeable to most people and to still others, there is really no difference between the two. As odd as it might sound, that gives me comfort to know and it taught me a lot about people and how to deal with them. What I see as truth and what matters to me is a lie to someone else and does not matter at all. I really needed to understand that and be taught that and you managed to do it gently but do it in a way that it really sunk in. The mirror might have two faces but only one of them is the real one; the other is the reflection.
Here's another example of how the mirror has two faces; as much as I thought I had a grasp on some people and on some things in life you showed me how much there was to still learn. In doing so, you made me really open my eyes to the fact of there's such a huge difference between saying you care and truly caring. You really helped me to see that more often then not, the people that say they care are really only caring because there's something in it for them. Rarely does anyone do anything straight from the heart and mostly it is because everyone has been hit before when they tried and pain teaches us better then anything to not do again whatever it is that hurts. You showed me that living with fear of being hurt was no way to live, however, and that there's no way to care for someone by keeping them at arm's distance. There are people that are far too damaged and wounded from life to be kept at such a distance; you helped me to see that sometimes, you just have to take your hits and keep walking.
Oh, dear. Here are the lessons that would not just take an entry but would take a series of books that I would never have the lifetime to finish if I were to try to name them all. You taught me more in a short time then most of my entire life before you had done and then some. I am still waiting to catch my breath from the truths you have given to me, the lessons you have taught so very well. You taught me more about life and people and myself then I think anyone ever had before; mostly you brought home every little thing I had caught a peek at but had never been able to fully focus on. All the other lessons and truths were just a flashlight until you came along and turned on the lights. Thanks to you, everything is in far much better focus then it has ever been in my life and for once, I can believe in things that I was afraid to before, all in fear of being hurt. You helped me to see that it is better to hurt myself then to take it out on the people around me, that sometimes no words are better then saying the wrong things. You taught me that no matter what, the other person and their feelings and needs come first; that good people do not think of just themselves. I see now how much of a bad person I really am but that is a damned good thing. It means I have work to do, it means I see how much I need to improve myself. You have helped to hold up the biggest mirror I have ever stepped through and when I say with all my heart that I appreciate every step of this journey because of you, I mean it.
You taught me to never give up and think that the best is over; there's always a new adventure and always nice surprises in wait for us if we will only give them the chance to just...be.
You taught me the difference between someone that needs help and will do good with the help they are given and someone who just needs to wallow in their self-pity to feel better. You helped me to see that what makes one person feel better only brings more harm to the other; some people really need to roll around in their own mess in order to be able to pull themselves out of it and if one really cares, they will just let them do it instead of trying to pull them up before they are ready. There really is no one good way to help people; you have to be ready to change the rules up with every new person you meet. I would never have understood that as well if not for you. I do hope things get better for you; I do hope that one day someone will help you to see what you have shown me.
If there was ever anyone that helped to show me how hurt some people are and how many different ways there is to deal with pain, it was you. You have helped me to have patience and understanding where before there was none. You helped me to see that people do deserve second chances because we all ******** up, we all have our moments, and not every person you meet is going to hoist their grudges upon you but that when they do, the best way to react is by not letting it get to you. Thank you for that. I really needed to learn that not everything is personal.
You taught me that sometimes short and sweet says more then long and lengthy.
You have helped me to see that there's not one person out there that does not have a smile; if people would only be willing to try for one every now and again instead of trying to hurt one another, there'd be so much more to smile about in everyone's life.
You taught me that just because a snake hisses does not mean it will strike...but that every snake hisses before they strike. Sometimes a smile is just a smile...but that those who want to cause you harm will smile the most.
You helped me to see that everyone can grow and that everyone can grow up and into something better if just given time. The only harm done is by not waiting and being patient.
You taught me that ones instincts about people are always right.
You teach me every chance we get to talk that there's always something to laugh and smile about, no matter what everyone else says. You help me to see that no matter what I do, some people are not going to be happy; in understanding this, I can keep trying but I can slowly learn to stop putting the blame on me if what I am doing and trying to do is not having the desired effect. You are slowly helping me to see that it is not always me; just as I make the decisions in my life, so do they, and they are not going to be swayed from theirs any easier then I shall be of mine. I will keep trying but I will not be taking things as personal as before. As someone very smart once said, even Superman died once. If you crash into the wall, you just get up and do it again. The wall can't help being a wall.
You wow me with how much things can change in such a short time; you amaze me so much because things have changed in bigger ways for you in such a short time then they have for me, and I am still reeling over the past few years. You have shown me that none of us has any clue what life holds in store for us.
You helped to show me that sometimes things are as plain as they appear and that reading into them more then what good sense tells us to is just asking for a headache. Some people always put it forth exactly as they mean it and looking for meaning where there is none will do no one any good at all. There might be more to everything but sometimes there's less then what it was worth to dig into; knowing who to give that energy to and who not to is a vital lesson.
You taught me the true meaning and reason for poetry; that it is beautiful no matter what simply for being. Few things are that simple and uncomplicated but you helped me to see the perfection in the mere existence.
What appears one way is not always the best clue as to what lies beyond. More then anything you really brought it home to never judge a book by its cover because even a work of art can have a sorry summary. There is more to people then meets the eye. A nice lesson, for once.
You helped me to see the true importance of the small things. I have always believed that it is the small things that count and by feeling the same way too, you helped me to better see what I was doing, how the small things do indeed count to others. By learning I was not the only one I learned better how to put more effort into what I was doing.
You were right and you are right, even if some people would say you are not. By having the courage to just walk away from all the drama and the bad feelings you taught me something very important; the people that care will care no matter what. Those that do not, do not, and knowing sooner rather then later is a gift.
Sometimes, you just have to not bother. By not bothering, you do the best for the other person, rather then trying to push your way of seeing onto them and by doing that, causing more harm.
You helped me to see what a sense of humor can accomplish.
You show me more then I can tell you or will ever have the chance to tell you that not everyone is just wanting to take, take, take, and take whatever is left. Some people do care enough to care and that is more then enough.
Putting it bluntly, s**t does happen and the best way to deal with said s**t is just to keep happening yourself. It's the best revenge.
A smile can say so much. So, too, can a frown. You helped me to see how easy it is to say a lot without wasting words. Sometimes a picture really is worth a thousand words.
You taught me that constantly letting things pile up without working at them a little as one goes makes it damn near impossible to get it caught up when one gets time to jump onto the tasks.
You make me wonder to this day what the hell you meant by that one line. You know what I mean.
Butterflies are never just butterflies and flies are never just flies. All that sparkles is not gold and all that glitters can be cold.
There's nothing to fear about death.
Women get what they want by knowing what they DON'T want. I have heard that for years and years and years and damnit, it is true.
I sometimes have the urge to bite people but then I squish that thought by reminding myself that I know not where they have been. Your colorful description about what you scraped off your shoe and then forgot to wash your hands really keeps that thought close.
Glad to know I am not the only one that can not cook. I am just glad to know I am not the only one in the world that finds something as simple as eggs and toast to be up there with unlocking fusion and the atom.
You only have one true master and that is yourself. All others are just there for fun.
I came into this world knowing it was going to be a fight...I just...welcomed it, I guess. Instead of taking the time to cry about how life is unfair and waste time doing nothing, you actually go out there and try to make a difference. That is astounding to me and makes me happy to know there are some that still have the courage of their beliefs. And if you can keep a hold on yours no matter what, then damnit, so can I.
Best to treat all people with fans and pizzas as if they are bad news because some combinations are just warning signs.
*Says nothing* I told you I could do it.
I will overcome; that is the only way to carry on.
It is so true that when Captain Code is on the job, all rules are enforced to the letter, and they that protest, suffer.
Boy, sometimes no matter how you talk about astrology you sound like a nut-job. I really saw that the other day...and now I am learning to keep things to myself unless the other person throws something out there that you know you can not completely ruin by trying to talk about.
Seeing in the news something like "...Her husband, Stanley Gray, is recovering from a gunshot wound to the shoulder. The chicken died at the scene." really does make one love humanity more then before.
If you can still love, then it is love. If you just keep feeling less and less, then that is the answer.
Sometimes you have to wave when you would rather give the Flare Salute but there's not a damn thing wrong with muttering under your breath what they can do with a cow pie, now is there?
Clutter really is bad for your mental stability. Especially when a pile of stuff just topples down onto your head one day.
Sometimes it is just best to eat the dice and let the paramedics sort it out. It's helping them have something to do.
Santa and God DO have a lot in common. I am just happy to know that others can see what I am trying to say no matter how I garble it on the way from my mind to my fingers.
Friends really do come in the least likely places. Kinda like RP buddies, huh?
Getting online for a serious relationship is like going to a whorehouse for a lady. The joke really is on you. Having to sit by and watch a friend get pulled into that kind of mess is hard but you handled it well and showed everyone around you that not everything can be handled gently; sometimes you have to call it as it is. Just because you are lonely does not mean that it is everyone else's fault around you if you fall for someone who from the get-go can be caught in lies...and sometimes people are so lonely they do fall for it. You handled the situation as well as you could. You gave me an excellent example of where the line between online and off should be drawn and enforced.
Friends can be trusted with some stuff and not with others. You know that by their natures; you don't leave the friend that has a thing for pizza in a room with nothing but pizza and some carrots. Human nature is just that...and not to be slammed. It just is.
"An ye harm none, do what ye will. What ye send forth comes back to thee, so ever mind the Rule of Three." Damn skippy.
You are what you think and there's nothing more to say but that.
You are as right as rain when you say that it is sometimes better to just smile and nod. *Smiles and nods*
A mistake really can work out wonderfully in your favor.
There is nothing wrong with being true to yourself; anyone that tells you differently is just not looking out for your best interests. When you are tired, you go to sleep; when you are hungry, you should eat. And if someone can not understand you have basic needs that need to be met, then they rightly can be ignored from then on out.
Better to be a punk then an emo. xD
It is not always the easiest thing that is the best thing. Sacrificing yourself and your happiness for others is not always an easy choice but one some people make.
Ha ha! It all makes sense now!
You show me pretty much every time I get onto Gaia that there's nothing wrong with Flare referring to herself in the third person and it's ok to be a little crazy and still want to eat colorful things, despite what convention tells us. Nemernems are very colorful and very good for you.
The path not taken is always going to be the best paths just because they are the unspoiled paths. It is ok to wonder about the what-could-have-beens and what-ifs and what-might-have-if-onlys but to not let that ruin the path you are walking on and that you took willingly. There's nothing wrong with continuing to move even when it hurts.
You taught me that sometimes the least amount of time taken out of your day can dramatically alter someone's day. And every now and again, in a good way.
You taught me that no amount of trying to puzzle out some user names will ever get one any further then where they started out from. The lesson? There are certain things that will forever remain mysteries. Which actually makes life and this world so much cooler.
You taught me and teach me more as time goes by how little I matter in the grand scheme of things. Which is a relief. There's less for me to ******** up the less I matter.
You helped to show me how timeless the best things in life are. Even if something crashes and burns, there will come a time when you can look back and smile about the good times...and that's a wonderful lesson that so few get to really learn.
You taught me that the fear of clowns is sometimes very much a fear worth listening to.
You really brought home to me the importance of making time for what matters. If one is not careful, important time will be given to things that do not really matter while the most important things get left behind. It's a shame and a lesson that some learn in a much harder way then I learned it.
You helped to show me that people are for the most part good...if they are just given a chance to be themselves and not what they think the people around them want.
You taught me another of the many twists that life throws at us: that some people are as they appear. And that is ok.
Not all those that appear it are callous, but just not realizing what they are doing or saying. Sometimes the kindest people have their moments and there's always at least one person that will understand that and not take it to heart. That is a great, wonderful lesson.
You helped to show me that titles matter more to those that need to slap them onto others then to the ones with them. White, black, fox, cat, whale, or purple alien, we are all what we are and we are all equally wonderful and shitty and human. And that is partially what it is all about.
It really is fun being insane with someone else who thinks that by comparison, you are sane.
There's nothing wrong with taking it easy in your life. Sometimes you have to do that or drop everything and everyone at once and without warning. It can not be avoided; all one can do is try their best.
Be all you can be. And that's good for more then just the Army.
Good things come in small packages. So do things that go BOOM.
You show me in the most hilarious ways that I don't have any clue as to what the hell is going on around me...and you make it a good thing that I don't.
You make me smile because you are so much like me but because you are the exact opposite at the very same time. It's odd and funny and makes me feel...almost human at times. But human in a good way, not in the bad way.
You were right. No Big Foots were harmed in the making of this post and that was a good thing on so many levels.
You can pick your family. You show me all the time how blood does not family make and that just because you share a last name and some DNA does not mean that you can all get along and be friends...and that that is more then ok. Family is a special thing you find as you travel along. If you are lucky; I am damned lucky.
You taught me I can balance things on my nose like a seal. I just might not want to.
It really is darkest before dawn. That's what makes the morning so good.
You helped me to see there's so much more to friends and family and people in general then just the thought. There has to be a little bit of good will on both ends and that means putting your neck on the block every now and again. Nothing ventured, nothing gained.
Yeah, it was worth it. And still is.
Roses, poets, and serial killers aside, life is lovely at times; as twisted as it might sound, you helped me to see that sometimes it takes things getting ugly to see how lovely life really is. Sometimes you have to nearly drown before you can really taste how sweet the air truly is.
You have to take risks or you are just standing still. And when you are standing still, you are a target for the worst thing in life: the never knowing what could have happened had you moved your a**.
Sometimes we just never get to see the person behind the curtain. But at least we know there's a curtain...we know there was more going on then meets the eye. To me, that is a very good thing.
Chains and satin; no matter what form of binding you use, it is still binding.
Sometimes you just have to laugh at how absurd things are. And no matter how cruel someone else might think you for laughing, in the end it really is the best medicine.
Not all those that seem mad are mad...but mostly they are, just not a bad kind of insane.
Sometimes goodbye is the best answer.
There's no better chance then the one you take. No matter what happens with it, trying is the best way to deal with things.
Quality over quantity. Not once has it failed me.
Some people are stinkers but over all the a*****e-to-angel quotient is 1 to 10 with angels in the lead.
To get out, sometimes you have to dig your own grave. You had that in your siggy years back and it just blew my mind. How right you were.
I remember reading in your profile a million years ago "I'm slowly learning to not sacrifice myself for the sake of others" and I cheered you on loud and clear. It is a slow lesson but one that I am so proud of you for slowly forging on with. Watching you try as hard as you are has been an inspiration and been hard to watch, since my instinct when it comes to watching a good person get screwed over is to retaliate. Bad things happen to good people and there may not be a reason for it...but there's at least one good thing about what happens. That would be how we treat one another; that when one is at the lowest they feel they can go, someone does just the right thing and helps to turn things towards a better direction. It's not hard to be there for others...if you want to be.
TO HESITATE IS A SIN!
It is the ones who are not listening that are missing the most.
If your topic is s**t, you must quit!
Intentions are sometimes just intentions.
You remind me all the time that letters and number sometimes just do not mix.
Sometimes toxic can be good for you.
"The closer you stand to the light, the greater your shadow becomes." I still love that.
Sometimes just doing it the best you can is enough. And that is a good thing to know.
You continue to show me that little surprises are every where you look and that there is good in everyone, if they only want to show it and if you want to see it. And sometimes neither of those things happen but that is just life.
It is always crazy and funny. And very nice.
Sometimes admitting you do not know is the best answer of all.
Is it greed if no one else calls you on it? I still think of that.
Just listening is most of the time the best thing of all to do. And letting them know you are listening. There's a fine line between listening and making them think you do not want to talk.
Some people might not see the use of what you do but still others might...and that means there was good in it. A nice reminder.
The world really was here first. I am just glad to know someone else feels that way, too.
Your real friends are those people that do not try to grind you down just because they can. And it truly is better to be alone then unhappy.
Just because it looks like a girl does not mean it is a girl!
You remind me of how much more there is to people then what they might want you to know.
That much sugar, caffeine, lack of sleep, and a broom really does not mix.
It is a blessing that some people say as little as they do. Letting your actions speak for you is a rare gift; thank you for showing me how loudly actions do speak.
Arrogance is only sexy up to a certain level. After that you are being a pompous a**. It is a hard balance to strike and hard to know where the real person is behind all the postering. There is nothing wrong with being yourself.
Good boys really are boring. I am just happy to know I am not the only girl that loves the bad ones.
You are what you make yourself in this life; you can not make yourself into what others want you to be because everyone wants something different. Trust in yourself and what you know is right.
You and I know that kitties are the best. Thanks to you, I am slowly seeing that some dogs might have a little bit to bring to the table, too.
Colors are wonderful and so are monochrome rainbows.
'Sok to be a little warped. Just don't expect to be able to set fire to your hair and not have people ask questions later.
You taught me that sometimes it is ok and a good thing to peek around the door. There might just be a friend waiting there and not just someone else looking for someone new to use.
I never knew that I would find a man in a kimono so tempting. I never before liked a guy in girl's cloths...but seeing that singer like that really showed me there's more to myself then I might have guessed.
In the end, the biggest mystery I have to solve is myself.</div>
 RadiantFlare · Sun Oct 07, 2007 @ 04:58am · 0 Comments |
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