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I was talking to John for a while today. We were talking about old times, and winter break. With what he told me, I aws surprised that I didn't see that Raymond was obviously interested in Tiffany. I had the feeling, it was a sickening feeling in the pit of my stomach, but with the details right in my face... yeesh. And with what he said about Tiffany, it was obvious there too.
To piece things together so late...eh, it doesn't matter anymore. But it annoys me. I was used for the sake of my home - regardless of what people say, it is true. For the last few months that was a fact.
Being used by the one person that promised never to use me. That just bugs me. Though once a cheater, always a cheater. You can't have a girlfriend and someone on the side.
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Moving on... well, today was alright for the most part. Though it seems that there is some information being misread. Alexia thinks I hate her - this is not the case. I do not hate. I'm annoyed right now, thats all. When you help someone time and time again on the same subject, and having that person make no effort to better themselves - it wears the person helping down to a nub. I want to help, and try to make a dent in the right direction, but that person has to be willing to move along the right path. And in this case, it wasn't so. Also the fact that I keep getting put down. I may act stupid. But that doesn't mean I am stupid. If people think I am stupid, they will trust me easier - making it sweeter when I ******** them over. I'm by no means stupid. I cover up my true self with a happy-go-lucky facade. Because, why would someone want to hang around someone that is depressed all the time?
I'm also annoyed at the fact that we (we meaning my group of friends) are not "good enough". Or we're too "weird". Or not a source of "intellectual" conversation. If this is true, then don't be friends with people that are like that - if you truly think that way.
Or is it because we changed? I mean, everyone changes. You can't stop change no matter how hard you try. Life sucks, suck it up and keep going. No matter how ******** up you are.
Look at me. I'm a ******** warzone. I'm still walking, talking, and carrying on. It sucks, but thats what happens. s**t just happens no matter what. I can't help it if I'm different. I don't want to be some cookie cutout of a bloody prep. Thats what I don't want to be. I like who I am. I don't fit in with a group of people, infact I'm a little bit of a variety of cliques rolled into one. A twinge goth, indie, rock, emo, loner, nerd, geek, whatever the hell you can name - I bet I have a part. Thats who I am. If you can't deal, then just say so. Because I am not here for anyone convience.
I may use pronouns a lot, who the hell cares. I'll speak in third person then.
Tina doesn't like being pushed around. Pushing Tina around gets you nowhere. Maybe the hospital wing, but thats it. Tina dislikes it when people put her down. Tina can put herself down, because Tina is Tina's own worst critic. Tina doesn't like a lot of things about herself. Tina can go down her body picking and prodding things she hates. Thats what Tina does. That doesn't mean anyone else can just point out things. Tina knows that a lot of people think she is ugly. Tina doesn't have the money to change herself. Nor really wants to.
Well, that was annoying.
But seriously. I'm at the end of my rope now. I want to help people, but getting nowhere after a long time of helping makes it hard to really want to do anything anymore. Accept that things happen and move on. For it WILL be better than stewing in your emotions longing for what could have been.
If I did that with Raymond, I'd be a sad exuse for a human. He wasn't worth it. Look at it from outside the box. I did, so can you. (I'm saying this to everyone)
I'm done rambling.
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