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Me and a Castle Full of Idiots |
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This is the first chapter of a really stupid fanfic that I'm writing. Should be fun. If you see something that's enclosed like so: ~[lolz, stuff goes here]~, then that means it's the narrator talking to Sarah, a.k.a. me. Watch carefully for that, they tend to sneak up on you. Those little excerpts have nothing to do with the story really, they're just random things that I was thinking while I was writing it. This story is told from the point of view of a boy named Gabriel, or Gabe for short. It in no way pertains to the real lives of the characters. Just so you know. So, I will now present to you:
Me and a Castle Full of Idiots
-a kind of fanfic
Chapter 1
In which I find out a bunch of stuff I really didn’t need to know…
Once there was a school called Dogfarts. (Yep, Dogfarts.) That’s the school I go to. In it there were (and actually still are) lots of crazy people who call themselves witches and wizards. No, really. And for some reason, each one had either a boyfriend or a girlfriend, depending on whether you were a boy or a girl. Not that you couldn’t have a “mate” (that’s what we called them) that was the same gender as you. It just wasn’t that common. But no worries. Anyway, the point is everyone except my friend Daniel Radcliffe. Yes, I said Daniel Radcliffe. Crazy fangirls beware; I carry a can of pepper spray for this very reason. No, I don’t know Johnny Depp. Just shut up and listen to my pointless story. Before you ask another stupid question, yes, I am saying that the boy (man, whatever) who plays the magical Harry Potter (not my adjective- blame Sarah) is actually magic. Ish. He’s not the most talented person in our class by a long shot. Well, neither am I, but at least I can do well if I try. Dan is (actually was, since I’m telling you this after it happened- or am I?) single and he planned on staying that way. What he didn’t plan on was the desperate attempts of crazy Daniel/Emma fangirls. Including Sarah, who doesn’t actually care, but she figured it would be funny. He also didn’t count on an un-crazy fangirl being hired as the new Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher. (We have to get a new one every year, ever since they wouldn’t let d**k Cheney have the job. Don’t ask, please and thank you. I don’t know either. Well, yes I do, but do you think I want to get arrested?) The point being, the poor girl was madly and irrevocably in love with him. Sadly, he didn’t love her back. Anyways, it goes like this: One day during class, she’s like, “Radcliffe, I’d like to see you after class.” And he’s like “Um, alright.” So after class everyone leaves except for him, and I stay right outside to listen at the keyhole, and Rupert (Grint- you should’ve seen that coming) had to go to the hospital wing because I hit him because snooping is my job, thanks, and he said I hit like a girl, so I hit him again. He didn’t say anything after that. Emma (Watson) had to drag him to the hospital wing, and that was kind of funny. But I didn’t miss anything, so everything was okay. So this teacher, who we’ll call Sara (yeah, a play on Sarah- I know she likes Jack now, but it was her idea), I can hear her messing with papers on her desk and then she just blurts out, “Daniel, I really, really like you!” and he’s like “Like, like like?” except he’s British, so that wasn’t really what he said. She’s like “Yeah.” And he remembers the second Harry Potter book (bully for him- that’s some kind of British for you) and he says, “Yeah? Well don’t send me any singing valentines, okay?” Insensitive jerk. I mean, she must have been working up her nerve for months, and he just knocks her down like that. Plus, when he walked out he ran the door right into my nose. He’s all like, “You okay, mate?” and then he realizes what I was doing there and he hits me. I wouldn’t have cared, except he hit my nose again, and it started to bleed. Then he was really sorry. He walked with me to the hospital wing, and I wanted to ask him why he dissed poor Sara like that, except I couldn’t talk and I almost couldn’t breathe because the blood was all in my mouth and obviously in my nose, but he’s talking the whole way, trying to make up for it or something. We get there, and there’s Rupert, sleeping like a baby. I suddenly get this vivid image of me standing in the middle of a white room, covered in blood. I have a crazy imagination. But that was basically where I was right then. The nurse was all like “Tsk, tsk. You kids are always getting into fights.” I want to tell her that it wasn’t a fight, it was an ambush and it was all from one end, but I can’t breathe and right then Emma walks in and she’s like, “Is everyone okay?” and obviously I’m not and I still can’t breathe and there’s only so long that a guy can go without oxygen, and y’know, Emma’s a pretty girl so I see my chance and right then and there I just collapse. Right into Emma’s arms. But then I black out, so I don’t know what happened next. For some reason, no one ever told me.
When I wake up, I’m lying in a really comfortable bed, and my nose has stopped hurting, and I can breathe again, and there’s a hand on my forehead, and I open my eyes to make sure that it’s not a guy’s hand. It’s not. It’s- you guessed it- Emma’s. Not surprising, since she’s my “mate”. As we call it here at Dogfarts. (I mean, does it all have to be lame?) ~A sidetrack: I know right now you’re thinking, “I thought this was supposed to be about Dan and Emma…?” Yeah, well, I get to be an unwilling obstacle. Someone get a stopwatch and time how long it takes me to get out of the way. James and Oliver (Phelps, a.k.a. Fred and George) are taking bets. Any money on one chapter? ~ After about three seconds with Emma’s hand on my forehead, I’m alright again. And when she sees my eyes are open, she’s like, “You’re alright! We were so worried when you passed out! You must have been hurt really badly!” and I’m like, “If I was, you’ve got Dan the ladies’ man to thank. But it really didn’t hurt. I just couldn’t breathe because of Dan’s stench. I mean the blood.” Rupert starts to laugh, and Dan is glaring at me, but Emma’s just like, “’Dan the ladies man’?” and then I start to laugh, because Dan is still glaring at me, except he looks more scared than mad now. “Oh, yeah. You guys weren’t there, were you? Well, you’ll just have to wonder, ‘cause I won’t sell him out like that.” ~[“No way, Sarah! There is no way in nine hells that I would ever end up like that with Dan! This is a Dan/Emma fanfic, not a guy/guy fanfic! No more yaoi for you!” “But Gabe, it would be so… whatever! Not the point! The point is, you two even look good together! You were made for each other! And didn’t you say you could have a ‘mate’ that was the same gender as you?” “I didn’t mean me, I meant other people!” “Fine, then. But I’ll fit something in somewhere!” “No you won’t! I’m writing this, thanks!”]~ Dan looks really relieved, and Rupert is still laughing, and Emma just looks disappointed that I didn’t tell her. I feel good enough to make the nurse let me go back to the common room for the night. When we get back, Dan’s like, “Hey, I have to talk to you.” And I’m kind of like, “Yeah, okay. I know where this is going.” ~[“’We went up to the common room, and Dan says, “I know you’re wondering why I turned down the Professor like that, and it’s because… I knew you were listening, and I couldn’t say anything nice, because you might think that I actually liked her, and then there’d be no way I could tell you the truth.” And I’m like, “And the truth is?” and he says, “I’m in love… with you.” And-‘” “Sarah! Just shut up!”]~ So we go up to the common room, and he’s like, “How much did you hear?” and I’m like, “All of it.” And he’s like, “Yeah, well don’t tell anyone, because it would get really crazy.” And so I’m like, “Yeah, sure.” Then Rupert comes in, and we stop talking. Then I go sit on my bed and I start writing it all down so I can give it to Sarah, who makes a story out of it. Only I’m the one who actually writes the story, because if she did it then it would end up nothing like it was supposed to be. But she comes up with the cool ways of telling it. But then Dan comes over and he’s like, “What are you doing?” I kind of try to cover it up, but he sees it, and he’s all like, “I thought I could trust you!” and I’m like, “Well, obviously not.” And then I hex him. Just whatever random spell that came into my head at that moment. Luckily for him, it was the Leg-Locker Curse or whatever you call it, and he’s all like bouncing around, and Rupert won’t undo it, because it’s really funny, and of course I won’t undo it because if I do, then he’ll kill me. I run all the way down the stairs, and somehow he manages to get down, too, and he hasn’t hurt himself yet, which is good because I’ve had more than enough of the hospital wing. I’m running all over and jumping on tables and jumping over people and later everyone said I looked all cool, running around like a ninja or something. He’s just trying to stay on his feet, and everyone’s laughing, and finally I turn around really fast and get him with a body-binding curse, and he just falls flat on his face. I walk over and roll him over with my foot, but he seems alright, except I think he’s gonna have an apoplexy because he’s so mad. (Note: an apoplexy is a fit of rage or a stroke caused by a brain hemorrhage. I’m dead serious.) Then Emma runs up and she’s like, “Is he okay?” and I realize I’ve just been given a great opportunity to play stupid cupid, and to shut Sarah up about me and Dan getting together. So I say, “Yeah, he sort of went crazy. You see, we were talking about girls and mates and he was saying that he might get a mate next year, and I was talking about how I was gonna ask you to be my mate again, and he got all mad and he hit me- right there, on the back of my head- and then I had to body bind him, and he started chasing me and, y’know. I think he might like you. Just a little.” We both look down at Dan, and he’s all red, and he looks as embarrassed as anyone can look while body-binded (body-bound?) She starts to laugh, and I just grin, and I dunno if he actually liked her, but it needed to happen for the plot to go anywhere, so for now we’ll just assume that they like each other. She walks off to go talk about it with her friends, and I undo the spell, but just on his head. “Are you okay?” I ask, and he’s like, “Move your leg closer to my head… closer… right there.” Then he bites my leg. I dunno why, I just set him up with a pretty girl. I kind of had a Sarah moment, and I asked, “Do I taste good?” but then I hit myself, because that’s just wrong. I decided to just leave him lying there, since he bit me. ~[“Guess what I’m listening to on my iPod right now!” “Do I want to know?” “I’m listening to ‘I’m Too Sexy’!” “You are a sick little girl.” “I’m not little; I’m taller than you are!”]~
 The Amethyst Riddle · Sun Sep 02, 2007 @ 05:30pm · 0 Comments |
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