Welcome to Gaia! :: View User's Journal | Gaia Journals

I went down to Voc Rehab, and the FoodStamp office trying to get insurance... No goverment agency would help me. I was even told to get pregnant, because then I would be able to get health insurance.

I swear to god I cry all the time now... I'm crying now...

I don't think it's really any of the people who don't want me around... I don't think it's anyone's fault but my own. If it were only one person, that would be something else, but all the adults around me seem to want me to leave... maybe it is the solution... It's just very strange to be disliked by everyone... Well, I guess that's a bit egocentric... not everyone... there are lots of people who don't know me or don't care about me at all... That's a comforting thought. There are people who don't hate me... And I think that when people first get to know me they don't hate me... It's just that to much exposure to my depressing bitchiness drags down your soul...

And I know that... my boyfriend and I had this long talk about it on a long drive. I know that I'm not supposed to be all mopy and depressing, but I really can never think of things to say that aren't complaints... Usually about me. Self-centered and depressing... I mean, he's right... I'm always bitching... Why am I like this?

I can't change and there's nothing good about the way I am. I'm immature, self-centered, and horribly horribly lame. And I get in trouble for bitching about it... I want to be a different person so badly that it hurts... But even if I say nice things, I'm lieing... It isn't the way I really feel. I don't want this fake mask that I wear in front of people, and my real face beneth it, I want the mask to become my face. I want to be a good person, not pretend...

I've never been good. I was a mean little kid, and I used to get in trouble a lot for fighting in grade school... I don't do that anymore, but I still want to. It seems like my thoughts are always bitchy and negitive... And, since god has been brought up, your diety of choice gave me an easy way out... And I didn't take it... God's plan was for me to die of cancer and infection when my cysts exploded. It was a good plan, and I used science and bullshit that I barely understand, that burns like the fires of hell in my blood, to cheat. To live. To screw up that plan. I've never really been a theologian, but maybe that's why I'm so depressed now.

My girlfriend has arthrites (I don't know how to spell that, but that disease where your immune system attacks the cartiledge in your joints and basically eats them so it hurts to move) and my dog has little to no bladder control, so I'm supposed to be steam cleaning the carpet right now, and I got so depressed that I couldn't get the stains out that I started crying so hard I couldn't see... What the hell? Before this year, I never cried.

Does anyone maybe know any good self-improvement books that help you fix your thoughts insted of your actions? That's my real problem... If I have the time to sit and think, I get depressed...

I'm pretty sure my boyfriend doesn't love me anymore... There was hate in his eyes this morning... When he kissed me... I can't stand this feeling of loneliness... unloved... My girlfriend doesn't connect with me the way she used to... and that hurts so bad... because I love her... I mean, I was willing to go through all this s**t for her... and...

I've been alone my entire life. There are no millions of people who would miss me. There are three kids who may miss me with that child-like emotional state where they don't really understand... And none of them depend on me for anything, they all have others who can take care of them.

When Pook and I first got together, I asked her to have a nice buffet at my funeral so people would actually show up. My parents would be so embarassed if no one came... Like I said, you don't really hate me until you know me, so I think a buffet would draw the people that I had classes with, ect.

This isn't one of those emotional "My man/woman broke my heart, I want to die" things. I want to die, but I'm to afraid to do it... I'm probably not going to make it through this anyway, and radiation therapy is so painful... And even if I make it through, I'm going to be on hormone therapy for the rest of my life. I have no support, and my money is running out. There are enough people in this overpopulated world. I don't need to be hanging on for some selfish, self-righious bullshit. I may simply stop going to my treatments and let the disease run it's corse. I wouldn't even have to tell anyone, and I would slowly... painfully... edge closer and closer to death... God, the sleeping pills seemed like such a better solution...

I mean, I'm pushing away anyone who claimed to care about me with my depressing bullshit, so when this relationship ends, I'm not going to be able to find another one. Nor do I want to. I'm not hideous... Actually, since I got sick and lost all the weight, a lot of guys have started flirting with me, or my mates are just really jealous. But I can't stand any of those people... I don't know... I'm just rambleing by this point, aren't I? I could have one night stands, I guess, but anyone who got close to me would just end up hating me again. And I'm not getting any younger... tomarrow is my birthday... I'll be 22... I can't do it...