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I don't know what the hell is wrong with me, i'm sitting here on the verge of tears thinking how much I hate myself, I just hate myself so much. It seems like I can never be happy with the way things are.

It all started because of him stressed I ******** hate him, the one person on earth that I woudl kill and not feel the least bit of sympathy for. He made my life miserable. He abused me physically, mentally, verbaly, sexualy. And I hate my mother for it. She chose him over me all the time, she would ignore me when I would tell her the things he did. The way he would constantly exspose himself to me, the way he got my mother into drugs, the way he hit me, the way he hit her, the way he made me hate myself and feel like i'm nothing.

I'm out, I moved out of there in August, 2004. I lived at my bf's place until Feb 05 and now I live with him and my sister and my nefew in our own place. But yet, i'm still not happy.

I hate the way I look, I'm so ashamed of my body ... it looks disgusting. I fight with my boyfriend so much because I get so angry any frustrated, I feel so horrible for taking these things out on him. I have to be the worst girlfriend in the world. All he does is love me and I treat him at s**t. I'm so critical, I get mad at him for everything. I get irritated so easily and say things I shouldn't. And then I feel like complete s**t afterwards. Some days I feel fine, but others I can't stand to look at myself, I dont' know how my bf can stand to look at me either.

I remember the time I told my mom that I wanted to kill myself (here come the tears) and she laughed at me. All those years she woudln't admit that her daughter had problems, that she was depressed, that she hated herself, and that she wanted to kill HIM.

I was treated like s**t in highschool until the 11th grade. Everyday, I would be called rat girl ... I don't know why. I guess i'm just that ugly. I didnt' start getting any respect until I punched Kent (some guy in my math class) in the face infront of everybody. I guess thats when people realized I wouldn't take their s**t anymore and it died out. But I guess all that bullshit made me a better person, it made me see people for who they realy are. And I was no longer afraid to stand up for myself, or other people.

Some days I feel like I should just slit my wrists and get rid of it all, and other days I think that it's all going to get better some day.

It's all over though, i'm away from him. No more highschool. So why aren't I happy, why do I hate myself, why am I so angry and frustrated, why do I have so much anxiety? I need help.