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I keep rocking back and forth in my computer chair...

Honestly at a loss of what to do...

I was ok...everything was ok. Why did he have to PM me...god he could have waited till I was a little better. I was balancing everything out. I was regaining a sense of myself why why why....

Its just not fair...

So not fair...

I hate myself for ever caring about Josh. I hate myself so much.

I'm on RO now, sitting at my spot in Payon. I love Payon so much...this has to be my favorite city on the entire game. It was the first city I ever went to...I know it like the back of my hand, I can find almost any NPC there...even though it has been remodled. I love the music and theme of the quiet little village...I love the people who come here, no one is ever really rude. I love the caves, and how there is never a Wild Rose spawn here....

I wonder if I made Shadow lik this...

God why the hell do I keep thinking abotu Shadow....

All I can think of is how the reaction Shadow gave me is the exact same thign I am feeling now...I see why Shadow hated me now. I see why Shadow didnt' want em around because of the hurt I made him feel. I'm so sorry I ever hurt you Shadow...I'm so sorry.

I knew I hurt him badly...I felt like a bad person, so much remorse for my actions...I tried to make it better, but Shadow didnt' want it. Shadow didn't want anything to do with me. I see why. I understand now. I never talked to him again....I never knew what happend with him and Desiree...I never knew if Brandon and Kyle were any nicer, or if his dad lost that weight or if his mom calmed down or if his sister moved out. Nothing...

I wonder why some people feel remorse for their actions and others do not.

Those who do not...they are animals. They deserve to die...people like that are not fit to inhabit this earth. People like that set bad examples for others and still call themselves rightous. They collect followers and devour them just to toss them away when they are no longer needed. They are bad people. They do not deserve the gift of life. They abuse that gift. And that is Josh...

People like that shouldn't exist. People who survive off the pain of others should not be permitted life.

He doesn't even have any remorse for hurting me like he did...he doesn't even care. I could drop dead at this moment and it wouldn't phase him a bit. He'd probably laugh about it, and how he used me as he did...

Because yes. You used me. For whatever you got out of knowing me. Leieing to me and allowing me to believe you loved me when you did not...letting me think we had a connection and there was none...letting me throw away everything for you, just to tell me in the end you didn't like me anyway. Didn't care for me. Nothing. Just so you could have the satisfaction of "Oh, I HELPEd someone...I'm a GOOD PERSON NOW"

You are not good...

Nothing about you is good.

Nothing you ever do in your life will ever be good. You will bring yourself down and everyone around you. I called you addictive like a drug so many times before, you used to be my painkiller and my sweet high. But you hate me, you decieved me, and you used me. How could you?

Whenever I speak to him...you guys should hear it...its as if I'm an alien. As if we never knew eachother....as if we never shared anything with eachother....feelings, thoughts, emotions. Oh wait, thats right, he didn't share anything with me except his ellobrate lie. I was the one who stupidly gave myself to him....

This is why I don't trust people. This is why I don't let anyone know me...

Because the one time in my entire life I actually allow a person to know me...they devistate my world in the most destructive manner and leave me cold, dried out, and alone...because they dont' care about me and they never did....

I thought I wouldnt' get another boyfriend...but I will. I won't love him. I won't care for him. I won't be there for him. Never again will I share myself with someone. I will nto be hurt like this again. Ever again. No one will ever use me like this. No one will ever be permitted such acess to me. People can't be trusted. Well, usually a person can be...thank you Josh for ******** up my view on the world.

Thanks for killing me like you did you ******** murder...

Thanks for throwing me away like cheap trash

Thanks for using me so you could feel better about yourself

Thanks for letting me believe there was something when there was not

Thanks for lettign me give up everything for you

Thanks for your lie

Thanks for everything...and I mean that in the most sarcastic way possible.

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