• “River?”
    “Hmm?”
    “Are you asleep?”
    “If I were, how could I be talking to you right now?”
    “Sorry.”
    “Go to sleep, stupid.”
    “I can’t.”
    “Hmm? Why not?”
    “I don’t know. I can’t”
    “Well you better hurry up.”
    “Can you tell me a story?”
    “What?”
    “A story.”
    “God, you’re annoying.”
    “Please?”
    “Once upon a time…”
    “Oh boy! A story!”
    “Shut up or I won’t give you one.”
    “Okay. Go.”
    “Once upon a time, a long time ago, there was God,”
    “God?”
    “God. And there was a man…”
    “What was the man’s name?”
    “I’m getting there. Shut up.”
    “Can his name be Larry?”
    “Well, his name was Noah…”
    “But I like Larry better.”
    “Okay, Larry. God told Larry that it was going to rain.”
    “God can talk?”
    “Yeah, he can. God told Larry it was going to rain, there was going to be a flood.”
    “What’s a flood?”
    “It’s a lot of water. So God told Larry to make an ark.”
    “An ark?”
    “Yes, it’s like a really big boat. So Larry made an ark…”
    “Can we make an ark tomorrow, River?”
    “Shut up and listen to the story. But everyone thought Larry was crazy.”
    “Why?”
    “Because he built a boat even though it wasn’t raining.”
    “But God said so! God is probably lying.”
    “No, just listen. You’ll see. But Larry didn’t care; he kept building.”
    “Kept building?”
    “Yup.”
    “But what’s he going to do with a really big boat?”
    “Just listen. When the boat was done, he got a lot of animals to fill it up.”
    “Why does he need animals?”
    “So he can save them.”
    “Why doesn’t he save the other people? Larry is selfish!”
    “Because God doesn’t want him to save the other people because they’re evil.”
    “But how does he know?”
    “Are you going listen or just argue?”
    “No, go on!”
    “Okay. Noah, I mean Larry, he filled up his boat with animals, but still no rain.”
    “Maybe God was playing a trick on him?”
    “Shh! The people started laughing at him, and they were going to set it on fire.”
    “Wow, they ARE evil.”
    “Yes, suddenly, there was a drop of rain.”
    “The rain is coming!”
    “Yeah, then it got harder and harder. It started flooding, and a lot of people died.”
    “Even Larry?”
    “No, the ark started floating so Larry was saved.”
    “Animals too?”
    “Animals too. It started raining for a long time. Then after forty days, the sun…”
    “The sun came out?”
    “Yeah, so Larry let out a bird to go look for land.”
    “But birds can’t swim.”
    “But they can fly. The bird came back with a branch in its beak. That means land.”
    “So they found land?”
    “Yep. So Larry took the boat to the land and he let all the animals out.”
    “What about the other people?”
    “They died. But Noah, I mean Larry, started a new human race.”
    “He did?”
    “Yeah. Then there was a rainbow in the sky.”
    “A rainbow?”
    “Yeah, that’s a sign of God’s promise to never kill humans again.”
    “But God doesn’t keep his promise!”
    “What?”
    “Humans die all the time!”
    “They don’t die, Danny. They just go to a better place.”
    “Where do they go?”
    “A place with a lot of good things; Heaven.”
    “Are there cakes in heaven?”
    “Whole bunches. All different flavors. Any flavor you want.”
    “Are there kittens there?”
    “Yeah, a lot.”
    “Are there dogs?"
    "Yeah."
    "What about candy?"
    “Go to sleep. You had your story. Now leave me alone.”
    “What happened to the water?”
    “Dried up.”
    “Oh. River, what happened to the ark?"
    “Oi.”