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<center> gonk Brookie's partay was lots of fun. We made this picture of Nichole's friend Alex (who looks like a girl, but a very pretty one) and we were putting all these pick-up lines on it. They were sooooo funny. One example was: "You make the frosting on my Frosted Flakes," another was, "I don't have a library card but do you mind if I check you out," and this one was fuunnny, "You must be Jamacian, because 'ja makin' me crazy." There were tons more and they were so funny. They filled up the front and back of the picture. Nichole drew him on one side and I drew him on the other. Man, he has HUGE lips. >__<; But anyways, we got a lot of the pick-up lines off of the Weird Al song, "I wanna B UR lova Baby." Man, good times, good times. We had a fun time with all teh balloons, trying to keep them off the ground and other... things. [Blushes.] But, over all we finally crashed after all the pop and cake and pizza. And in the morning, we went to bed for two hours I think and then we woke up and her mom brought us donuts. I wish Aaron (Brooke's Brother) was there. We would of had sooo much more fun. OH! And when we crashed again and had our little "nap" we went out for a walk and then we were walking down the street and we saw that in Daniel's he had the T.V. on. So, we stood there and watched the T.V. it looked like, I think that his little brother was watching Yu-gi-oh. ^^ We then turned around and walked back to Brooke's house. We found a lost dog and so we called the owner. The dog was so cute, it's name was X-ray. Then, my dad came and picked me up. I was really surprised that he didn't yell at me on the way home. And now that I home and on the computer he's yelling at me again. Saying that I shouldn't be on the computer that much, I haven't even been on for twenty minutes. He make me feel so guilty. It hurts really bad. I don't really know what to do about it. I don't really want to tell anyone, they never really listen to me. And if they do, they have no idea what I'm talking about. That sounds like my dad. I'm scared. He's very controlling. And I can't bring it up to my mom, when I try to explain it to her she say I should stop talking about dad that way, and look how much he does for the family. I'm really scared of him. Many times I find I crying myself to sleep. It's hard. I really don't know what to do. I feel like I can't do anything right. I can't share my feelings either, because I "shouldn't feel that way". I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. This is how I feel I can't help it. I should just hide it away. Yes. Then nobody would have to worry about me, I wouldn't be a bother. I'm just that girl who just can't get it right. That's me. Nothing about me works. Maybe that's why I have so many things to do. My voice lessons, my guitar lessons, my soccer, my piano, my jazz band, my grades, my chores, my job. Are they even mine. It doesn't feel like it anymore. It feels like it's my dad's or my mom's. The more I tell them how I feel, the more they try to do everything for me. Who am I? Even I don't know. What is me? Me, it doesn't make sence. Why am I even here, alive? I don't have a perpose. Life is pointless. Is that why it's s much fun? I don't know. I don't know anymore. Nothing makes sence. There's one thing that really does make sence in my life though. That my love, Rob. But, lately we haven't been able to talk for that long. It's really sad. I miss him a lot. There were days when we be together for hours and hours, but now it seems as though it's all disappearing. Is this how it's supposed to be? I don't want to be left alone. I haven't really told anyone, but being completely alone without anyone, even an enemy, is the most horrifying thing that could happen to me. I don't want to lose the one person I know I love. For a while I still wasn't sure, if I really loved him. But then I just thought about the whole thing, the big picture you could say, and I realized, why was I even wondering. I've loved him all along. I miss him so dearly. I wish I could talk to him, and actual conversation, where we're both on at the same time. I would like that. A lot. I love him. So much. He's the only person I can really turn to. No. I can't believe myself. I am being so selfish. He's not mine. He never will be. He's himself. All for him. I can't believe I was so self-centered. I feel horrible. There I go again, "I, I, I." I should just shut-up. I don't really matter at all. Why am I talking about myself again. Nevermind.
I'm sorry that this Journal even has to hear this. There! Again! "I! I! I!" Shuttup Amy. Okay.</center>
 Amster · Sat Sep 25, 2004 @ 10:47pm · 0 Comments |
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