|
|
|
Well, I feel shitty. Upset for sure, angry maybe. I want to go back to the house on Court St, but a baby boy has taken over my room. MY room.
I'm ticked off at friends who get mad near me for not being invited to parties that I didn't host. It seems like they're getting mad at ME, even though I know (and they've said) that they're not. ********. We all got annoyed with each other in the grocery store today getting stuff for baking when no one who came up with the baking idea in the first place actually had money on them, even though we went BACK to the house so money for groceries could be gotten. THEN we didn't have enough time to bake.
I'm getting sick because I've been staying up too long on the computer and it's my own ******** fault.
I'm just mad in general, and I want to RP but my usual rping people aren't online right now, and I'm mad at myself for turning to others to distract myself. I'm also mad because I got home and the first thing I did was eat two cookies that I wasn't actually hungry for. They tasted all right, but I felt so full. My stomach felt shitty for a bit after eating them. I'm doing the exercising, but my eating habits must have gotten worse, somehow. Somehow I manage to screw things up.
Someone just called looking for Mike. There's no Mike here. I miss my kitties. I hate that March Break is ending. I still have french to read, things to type, auditions to prepare for, and everything to cry over, I guess, because I'm crying now. I should write some of the fanfic. That might cheer me up. I don't want to do much of anything right now, and the computer doesn't help as much as it used to.
I'm tired of all the ******** friend drama, and not knowing what I should keep a secret from who, and all that. It's not my fault if people don't invite you! Maybe they just don't know you that well! I don't know! And...and I guess it's just been too happy for a while that I was bound to get upset. This always happens. It ALWAYS happens. I can't have great times forever.
I hate stressing out so much over university and ******** scholarships and ******** bursaries and ******** loans and OSAP. How the hell am I supposed to know everything about what money I'm being given? Of course I don't know, that's why I'm ASKING for money! I don't even feel comfortable enough asking my own dad to help me out. I feel like I'm constantly asking my mom for money because I don't have a job, but I can't hold down a job and everything else right now! No one seems to really like their job until later, until after schooling. I fell like I'm going through so much s**t just to get to more s**t that I don't want to do so that I can finally get...somewhere? I don't know. I'm starting to feel really guilty about taking all Mom's money for schooling. I applied to other stuff and that was so much money. If I'd just applied to the drama stuff and nothing else... I mean, I'm in 2 of them already - there's another 110 dollars that went to applying for extra crap.
I just don't want to end up at some dead-end job like SAAN that I'd hate for the rest of my life. I can't. I can't. I'm afraid of that; afraid of University, afraid of what might happen if I picked college instead, afraid of leaving Thunder Bay, sad that I'm losing friends because I don't ever pick up the ******** phone and call them.
My stomach doesn't feel good right now. Probably because my pants are too tight because I can't stop ******** EATING.
I keep getting this impending sense that my best friend and I are probably going to go our separate ways for good once I end up going off to Southern Ontario. I don't like it at all - but do we even relate anymore? I don't know. I don't know what to do about anything and I get so mad about it. I don't want to make anyone upset because I'm upset.
I don't know if I'm sad or anxious right now. I might just be anxious, and in that case I really have to try and just breathe right.
********, I'm even worrying if I'll still be able to drive a car. I haven't driven anything since November and I have to finish the whole process 5 years from when I got my G1 or they start the whole ******** process over. It's a stupid thing to worry about.
I want my Mom. I want my cats. I want to stop using food for comfort and I want what I do to actually WORK for once.
I DON'T WANT TO BE A ******** LEADER!! I just want to be me and let that be extraordinary enough! I want to be braver and I don't want to get so ******** hung up on the things I don't do perfect right away.
Is it time to write therapy poetry yet?
 Renee the Rabid Squirrel · Sat Mar 18, 2006 @ 02:15am · 4 Comments |
|
|
|
|
|
