but i've been thinking.
just thinking. imagine this journal entry totally emotionally detached. i'm not saying i'm not putting emotion into it, that i don't have emotions about the subject, but think of it as facts that couldn't ever have emotion in them. like math.
i've been hurt a lot.
ERG THAT SOUNDS EMO. ignore it. ignore it ignore it.
i really, REALLY liked this girl, right? i had to. otherwise she wouldn't have been the person to make me doubt my sexual orientation. ((erg. i feel bad about that whole thing too.)) and. i don't know. it ended up getting really bad. a bunch of stuff happened, and she insulted me a lot, and still does, even though i avoid her like the plague.
i'm frustrated at myself for letting me remember her voice saying something mean. this is illogical of me, but i can't help it. she did some damage.
she was my first girl crush, and was also my best friend. how encouraging is that....
for a long time i realized any put down comments that i had in my mind were in her voice, or my other best friend's who also turned into a big fat jerk, but mostly her. any voice that said i can't or that i'm stupid or something - it was her. there's a lot more to it than that but writing this alone makes me really sad.
there's other stuff that has happened to. there's all the family stuff. there's my dad - i'm not explaining this -, and my mom - complicated -, and my brother - ERG. i could go on and on about my brother. > neutral i get really frustrated that he has a phone and i don't, and that he gets more attention than me when he does all this bad stuff, and what the bageebus. i'm trying to get above a 4.0 (& i'm going to succeed, btw!) & he gets that stuff? i also get angry when they tell me to do chores, when my brother is out with friends. he's /always/ out with friends. i swear the only thing they tell him to do is to mow the lawn or do homework or stop smoking. he's 19 & living in our house when he's totally capable of getting a job and whatnot, and just. angerangeranger. he's such a jerk, too. my GOD he's more negative and mean than my dad.
& the gay thing. ohmygod the gay thing. i hate hiding such a big part of me. i know i'm allowed to be out of the closet and stuff, but i don't have enough courage i don't have enough i don't i don't. i feel so weak and stupid because of it. i watch everyone's reactions to it very carefully, slowly coming out of my shell, and with the slightest negative reaction from a good friend i go back in and all self progress is lost. i hate it. i kinda hate me.
i'm hormonal atm. i have PMS, pre-monster-syndrome. that doesn't stop me from feeling what i'm feeling.
i'm kinda sick of having friends that aren't all that loyal. i'm kinda sick of having friends that drag me down. i'm kinda sick of being surrounded by either totally straight girls or obnoxious guys all the time.
i'm kinda sick of me.
 Anna Godly · Mon Oct 19, 2009 @ 05:12am · 3 Comments |
