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Maybe I'm just too spoiled. Maybe that's why when I break things constantly I feel like I might have a mini-breakdown. Maybe that's why I want things but don't really want to have to work for them unless I really enjoy the work. Maybe I'm breaking so many things because I'm mad I was too ******** stupid and afraid to apply to OCAD, but do I even want to do that? I don't know.
I applied to all acting stuff, and there's auditions, that'll be fun, but...I hate applying. I hate, I hate, I hate. I hate filling out all those scholarship applications because odds are I went through all that crap and I won't get any money for it...and what does it matter? Really, what does it matter? All money does is pay for stuff. Money is useless but we can't live without it. Money just gets spent, the more you have. I don't want to apply for OSAP. I don't want to have to spend forever paying off debts just so I can LEARN! Why does everyone need so MUCH money? Why can't inflation just stop? Why can't everything just STOP for a damn second?
I have too much of an attachment to vacations, where I get to do what I want. I feel so icky giving it up. I came back from New York City and felt that the last week of school was so hard to go to. I just shouldn't have been there. When you do things daily, it's easy, but when you go back to them after doing what you want...arg.
I'm a spoiled little rich brat who never had to work for anything, and then when I did start working for it, I stopped. It was a shitty job, yes, but I still stopped. I'm living off my Mom. How long is that going to last?
I feel sometimes like I won't be able to do it, simply because I don't want it enough or I can't push myself. If it weren't for Mom, I'd have never made it to New York City, which was AMAZING. Although, I wouldn't have known what I'd missed, right?
In the end, who CARES what scholarships I got? What university went to? What high schools I shoved my averages into?
Rrr.
New Year's was fun. I hope I don't get sick now. I should be GOING TO BED instead of being all stupid and staying up late, but I'm not tired because I've BEEN staying up late. And Neheon might come on. Blargh.
The Producers is a good movie. Now I really want to see the musical. It would be amazing, I'll bet. Went and hung out with Chris today, that was fun. Caught up; we see each other like, once a year maybe. It's easy like that, to keep a friendship on amicable terms but not get too close.
I'm afraid of getting too close.
I don't know if I'll ever be able to commit to someone. The only time I did once was because I wasn't THINKING and the guy was CREEPY as hell and I broke it off in like, 2 minutes. It didn't count. It DIDN'T.
Good God.
I like the Pecanbon thingy my mom got me. I also got lots of nice stuff for Christmas from others and Peter found my Staedler art pens! heart heart I'm so happy for them. I should really put them upstairs in my room.
 Renee the Rabid Squirrel · Tue Jan 03, 2006 @ 05:26am · 1 Comments |
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