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I'm trying to be brutally honest here... |
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and if no one ever sees this entry or comments on it, it would probably be for the better.
I really need to get this off my chest, and what better place than my online home of three years: Gaia?
#1: I can't quite enjoy games anymore. I chalk that one up to pure inertia, or maybe I just became bored with them. Simple enough, right?
#2: I'm starting to believe I may be depressed. I don't quite want to kill myself just yet... maybe I'm bordering on Bipolar. I'd like to think I'm okay, but the truth is I'm not okay. I don't know what's wrong with me, aside from my usual paranoid self... hell, it could be paranoia! But this Christmas was the worst of not so many, and I didn't enjoy it for the most part. A lot of family was there, and so I should have been running around, talking to people, made happy, really.
What did I do? I get into a fight with PeeWee (In my defense, he instigated it, but I shouldn't have acted on my anger by jumping on him and trying to wrestle the control away from him in order to change the song from Candy Shop by 50 cent to something by 50 cent that I didn't abhorr with a burning hatred from the depths of my soul.)
I didn't enjoy the day at all. I wanted to cry when I realized that... but I couldn't.
I couldn't cry.
I really am starting to think that, if i'm not depressed, I've been extremely desensitized. I can find joy within little to nothing, and what I do find joy in is so short-lived it may not even be worth it in the end-just a way to bide the time being.
3# I really hate myself right now. In short, I hate myself for a lot of reasons. Mostly because of my shy nature.
I'm... I'm not anti-social! I'm just shy... for a while I accepted what my mother told my family: "Oh, she's anti-social! She needs to get out more!"
... But... not a few months ago, she was telling me "You're quite the social butterfly, aren't you?" in annoyed tones as I was going to a friends house for a party. -_-;
What the hell happened to 'Anti-social'? Well, it came back on Christmas.
I was watching DNAngel on my laptop when I overheard my mother telling my aunts that I was anti-social.
I can't help being shy. I'd love to talk to my grandmother and aunts, but I feel this bar keeping me from doing so. Language barrier... I want to become more fluent in spanish so I can talk to my grandmother, because I really am forgetting a lot of my spanish. Too much, in fact, and I need to undergo some sort of intensive training to learn as much spanish as I don't know so I can fluently express myself to my grandmother when I get the opportunity. I don't think she has a lot of time left, and there is so much I want to learn from her that I don't think I could begin to list them. The truth is, I would love to be able to cook like my grandmother. She's a sage-a true alchemist when it comes to being in the kitchen, with spices and ingredients as her weapons. Mix them together to create real magic.
I would like to learn the recipes, but I feel like I'm being scrutinized sometimes. "You need to learn to cook!"...
But I WANT to learn to cook! And I want to learn it from her! I'm not lying! I am actually crying as I type this, all of this from "I don't think she has a lot of time left" onward! I want to be able to talk to my grandmother without hesitation, and I want to ask her "Can you teach me this?"
Quite honestly, once she dies, the magic is gone. Gone is the family connection-my grandmother- that helf us all together on Christmas eve. Gone will be the family matriarch and it normally would be left to my mother... but gone will be the joy of grandmother's cooking... gone will her rice-her sacred contribution to the world, as will be her traditionally made Chalupas, Tamales, etc...
I kind of want her to write down all her recipes because she hasn't. A lot of her cooking involves pure cooking instinct and her hands-things I don't have. I have clumsy fingers that will ackwardly play different instruments, or write out stories and poems in a strange scrawl that leaves many a person wondering what I've written.
I have my family who loves me and whom I love as much in return.
I have almost nothing else to give, so what do I have? I would like to type down her recipes to contribute them to the world, maybe, and for cooking on Christmas eve... wouldn't that be a wonderful time?
I fear it may be too late... why do I have this absolutely awful feeling in my heart? (crying silently) Why do I feel like soon enough, I will lose someone that I love?
Am I just being paranoid again... or is it something more? Are my senses-my precognition- telling me something?
It could, after all, explain
#4: Is Seph trying to tell me he wishes he never met me, somehow? He hasn't been on Gaia too much recently, which I chalked up to the Christmas rush. However, there will be times when, days after I've sent him a PM, he will come on... and not check his email... or maybe he does, and he definitely knows I've PMed him, but he doesn't respond... and I'm wondering why. At some point he was on long enough to change his avatar, but he wasn't on long enough to send me a response? Keep in mind... I also just discovered that he read a few of my PMs (Maybe...) but he didn't respond to them otherwise... If he's trying to tell me something, I hope he tells me soon. This is confusing and hurtful, and I really hope it's not something completely negative, but... if it is... I'm waiting on you, Seph. I'm not going to stop waiting until you tell me...
#5: I've not been drawing as much as I'd like. I think it's that weird emotional barrier. A combination of that and my laziness. Still... this kind of hurts my feelings too... plus... I feel as though I'm getting worse....
Hence, I hate myself.
 Sakura Moonflower · Wed Dec 28, 2005 @ 05:48am · 1 Comments |
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