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If any of you know me right, you will know that I find Selkielass a very dear friend, but extremely irritating at points. Recently, she forced me to read a book I've been set against reading ever since it became popular:Twilight. Supposedly, it was very good, because our friend(who's name I shall not list and protect), who loves books, said it was good, and she always seems to be right. After I heard that, I was a bit more OK with reading it. After all, she led me into the arms of Terry Prattchet, my favorite author since A.A.Milane and Dr. Seuss. Sorry, that train of thought was a runaway.
OK, so on to the review. Since no one seems to like my reviews when they're being nice, I'll get all the compliments and such out of the way first.
It was well written, better than I expected, had good physical description, and, when all other terms fail, was wrapped up very nicely in good wording.
Now to make all the fans eat their own crap and talk shittyness.
If you've read the book, you'll notice that it's really quite for teenage girls, and absolutely no one else. I do not know a single boy who has read that book and liked it, or an adult who has, either. Also, the book was a very easy read, and took me about 10 hours to read, not including all the time I spent getting up and doing something else to stop before the utter annoyance got to me.
And, I think I just mentioned the annoyance, didn't I? Yes, yes I did. The problem is, I found the main character, Bella, to be not only a totally weak and wimpy person, but extremely annoying and more or less too goddamned perfect for my taste. The fact that she was asked out by 3 guys within 7 hours is just all wrong. NO ONE gets asked out by 3 people in one day. NO ONE. Also, just because you're obsessed with someone, that doesn't mean all you think about is what they looked like. I found that most of the content was actually talking about how, and I quote, "Godlike and perfect" Edward was. That's just creepy. And stalkerish. Actually, her descriptions of him were altogether between 250 and 400 pages. Out of a 500 page book. But now I'm just picking on the characters, so let's move onto the plot, shall we?
The only problem with 'moving on to the plot' is that there is no plot. Not really. As far as I could tell, a girl named Isabella moves into Forks, Washington, from Phoenix, Arizona, and met a vampire who didn't like her. Or appeared not to. Then, a week later, he randomly started flirting with her, made her fall in love with him(because he was hot, which doesn't make sense at all, and later I'll explain why), dragged her off to meet his family, and he protected her from an attacker, which made the attacker want to attack her. (El oh Elz. XD) I actually only found the end of the book interesting, because they nearly killed off Bella. However, I was left disappointed. Because, as everyone knows, the good guys always win. Also, I was very irked how after Bella faints, you just see her waking up and the other guy's body is no where to be seen. The only guarantee that he's dead is one line where they're like, "Oh, yea, he's dead, lolz". I found this uncharacteristic and it made me feel rather more non-confident in the characters than I already was.
The characters? Well, lemme just pick at them again. Just once more. I didn't find many of them realistic. Bella, the main character, is a wimpy 17 year old who doesn't swear(Seriously. A direct quote is, "Holy crow!" I can't believe in a character who says stuff like that.), Edward, her lover, is apparently made of marble or something, and is, of course, smart, handsome, super strong, super fast, and a lady charmer. Everything every girl wants, and something you will never, ever, EVER find in a boy. Trust me on this one. You can keep dreaming. Not gonna happen. Sure, you might find someone with a couple of those qualities, but chances are, it's not going to be all of them. Actually, out of all the characters, my favorite was Alice, because she's the most like me. A hyperactive teenager(Well, pre-teen in my case)who could do serious damage if she actually wanted. And yes, we are similar in that respect, as well, because at one point this guy started following me and he wouldn't stop and he started to creep me out, so I broke his nose. Then again, when he started bleeding, I ran away and started beating my head on a tree. Hm.
OK, so Alice is slightly better than me, what with being beautiful and strong and fast and such, but she's a believable character. Unlike all the others.
I could keep on insulting Twilight....so I will.
The whole book should actually be only about half the size it is, because the stupid thing loops halfway through. I suggest the second half of the book, because you get less pointless waffling between the characters and more of Bella nearly dying(which was ******** AWESOME. I loved seeing her in pain). Also, you don't have to worry about missing any good lines. All of the good lines come out of whenever Edward says something more or less akin to, "Zomg, Bella I <3 you, but BEWARE because I am a BLOODTHIRSTY EBIL VAMPIRE WHO IS GOING TO KILL JOO! BWAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAA!!!! And you're my prey, so I'm just going to let you think we're going to be friends. Ha. Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha." Which you read four or five times every chapter. And the chapters aren't even all that long.
And I almost forgot my reference, earlier in the review. When Bella falls in love with Edward because, apparently, he is sexy. This does not make sense to me. I must admit, I have had 3 boyfriends, the third of which I am currently going out with, none of them look more than the average. Not to say they look bad, but none of them were total stunners, and they still aren't. Yet, I liked them a lot. As in, a lot, a lot. I wasn't attracted to them because they were particularly pretty. There was always a prettier option to fall for. No, I fell for the people who treated me like an equal. So falling for someone because they are beautiful and s**t doesn't really make any sense whatsoever to me. Ha.
So in other words, I had a lot more that I could be doing other than reading this book. When I accidentally left it at school for a day, I was genuinely pleased. I could be reading Terry Prattchet books, or Megatokyo, or Dr. Seuss or A.A.Milane(yes, I do still like Dr. Suess and Winnie the pooh. If you have a problem with that, you can go rape a dolphin. And if you actually do, please videotape it, so that I may watch). I could be watching I, Robot, or Hayao Mizake's films, or Unforgotten Realms, or Zero punctuation, or A League of their Own. I could be writing music, or practicing the piano like I'm supposed to, or listening to my favorite songs, or emailing my friends. I could be playing Ragdoll Avalanche 2, or Portal(game of the gods), or WoW, or Fancy Pants man 2, or anything else I wanted. I could be hanging out with Selkielass and Flaming Void, my two besties who aren't in Russia right now(*sob* Arisha! *More sobs*). I could be eating ramen, or cake, or pie. Hell, I could be doing homework or studying rather than reading this book.
But, before I have my inbox filled with angry hate mail and followed home for an assassination attempt, I will end this review saying that Twilight is by no means bad. What it is, is average. Regular. Run-of-the-mill. Twilight did what it took to lower my standards and I hope it's goddamned well proud of itself. And if in 20 years we're all reading Mr.Boring's monotonous adventures and working our asses off to pay our bills, I want to say that when it comes to the first book in sight, I ******** called it.
 xXBisexual FlanXx · Fri Sep 26, 2008 @ 11:25pm · 3 Comments |
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