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You know, trying to figure out what your doing with your life is hard enough without your best friend and sister talking about you while you 'sleep'. Just thought I ought to put that in, but yea I'm trying to figure out what I'm doing with my life. Its hard to want something and be criticized, or act the way you do normally and be criticized by people who are 'close' to you. But by far I'm not the only one who goes through that I'm sure. Part of figuring out my life right now is who I want in my future. Will people like them help me achieve what I want out of life, or will they bring me down? You know, when does joking around become too much? With the malice in their voices I'm pretty sure that was not joking around, it was more venting to each other than anything. And its not like they trust me anyway, so you know whats the point anymore. Maybe in my best friends life Im just here for convenience, and in my sisters Im here 'cause i have to be. You know what, it wouldn't surprise me anymore.
Another part of figuring out my life is my career. Of course my recent change was also criticized, but thats besides the point. I mean how many times have they changed what they want to be. At least I got into the field and then figured out it wasn't for me. I want to be a pediatrician now though. I think it will be a while if i change this one. I really want to help kids. I think its one of the best things I can do for this world, and I feel very strongly about it. When I see the child thats sick or injured, I want to help them. I feel like I would break and die of guilt if i didn't. Thats why I want to be a pediatrician. Its not just wanting to make a difference, because there's too many of those. If it was just that I would pick something else. Its taking that sick child and knowing that you can do something for them, and then doing it. It would be the best feeling in the world to me, well besides getting married and having kids, but thats different and I haven't experienced that. Before I wanted to be child psychologist, but its not the same. Sure your still helping kids, but thats kids behavior more than anything. And kids will be kids, whether you diagnosis them or not. I feel very passionately about this, more than any other career I've thought about. And you know, people can criticize my reasoning all they want, but at least I have the will power to get there.
Another part of my future to reckon with is the guy I want in my life. You never know when you might find him. I'm not sure whether I've found him yet, seeing as are relationship, i guess you could say, isn't really deep or that far yet. He makes me happy, he's a gentlemen, he has a great family, and he is pretty cool to hang out with. I don't know though if I know enough about him or have spent enough time with him yet to say that I love him. Love is a funny thing though. Its hard to tell the difference sometimes between love and like. Sure I like him, but do I love him? I'm sure there's part of me that has already began to love him. Just last night I had a dream that made me realize my subconscious loves him and wants him with me for the rest of my life(no we didn't sleep together as Im sure whoever is reading this thinks that). Before my dreams were unsure, and he would break my heart a lot in my dreams or vise versa, but now he isn't anymore. I'm not afraid of a relationship with him anymore, or at least my subconscious isn't. My dream told me I want to face the world with him in hand, and its the deepest dream I've ever had. It makes me wonder if so soon in my life I've found the person I'm supposed to be with, when many people spend their whole lives searching for that person, and I wasn't really even looking.
So I haven't entirely figured out my life, and I can't really until later on. At least I have some solid goals though, and am taking steps to achieve them, unlike many other people my age. But sometimes those goals interfere with others. Like my college destination. What would happen if I went to an Ivy League school? Especially since there are none in the state I live in...That would mean leaving a lot of people behind that I don't want to. And I wouldn't make them come with me and leave the people they love behind me. Like what if this guy is the guy I'm supposed to be with? I can't just leave him here, but I can't make him choose me over his family either. But I want to go to a good med school, and lets just face it, there aren't too many here in Florida. When and if it gets to that point, I guess my only option would be to talk about it with him. A little less than two years is enough to figure that out though, right?
 Dancer of the Moonlit Sea · Wed Jun 18, 2008 @ 05:05pm · 1 Comments |
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