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._.;
I just realized that my ex married someone who was in his college classes, in the fall.
I'm not bummed about him moving on - I'm happy for him. I'm feeling down because I had talked to mutual acquaintances before then, since then, and none of them mentioned it.
It hurts how well he shut me out of his life, not letting me explain why the situation ended up the way it did. I know it was three years ago, I know I need to get him out of my mind, but it is hard going from spending nearly every day together for five years, and then being cut off from contact. I've been wanting to know how his company is doing, hoping they are doing well - remembering the time we spent working on making sure stuff was just right.
Her dress was gorgeous, and they look great together. I can see in her all he wanted me to be [that I wasn't]. I hope that he has been able to put me out of his head - despite that it hurts to think that, as I still want a chance to apologize, to be friends - we were great as friends, the problem was that I didn't know how to accept that I was loved, how to love him. We got together as the narcolepsy was developing, before it was diagnosed, and he watched me go from stellar student to depressed wreck fo my former self, lost and bewildered. I put him through hell, but I never meant to. I feel awful for how much he cared, and wanted to help, and that he couldn't.
Sometimes I really hate myself for the damage that I end up doing to those who love me, simply by existing. I'm too selfish to want to kill myself though - I want one more photograph, one more breathe of fresh air, one more moment of happiness.
I'm unhappy with myself, because I need to be ready to leave for Sudbury in maybe half an hour when my parents come home - my grandfather was in the hospital last weekend, he had an aneurysm at some point. I feel guilty - I still haven't gotten the footage from Latvia edited into a documentary yet, so worried that he might die without seeing it.
I feel really out of sorts [cyclic monthly thing, just something with middle of cycle and my medications make me kind of out of it], really not up to going and dealing with family, but worried that he will die. I know it is irrational, I recognize that it is irrational.
And I didn't make anything for my mum for mother's day. I had meant to do that today. Strongly debating not posting this, but if I don't post it, I won't remember that it existed outside of my head, and I really need to figure out a way to get things out of my head, so that I can deal with them.
I need to kick my a** off the net, go shower, be presentable. Maybe try to panic-last-minute print off a bunch of photos so that I don't go crazy in the car ride for 3 hours up listening to horrible comedy radio that scrapes down my spine with laugh track.
 amalyn · Fri May 09, 2008 @ 08:37pm · 0 Comments |
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