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If there is a god, she sure likes to ******** with me. A soiled toy in a collection of many, and an expendable one at that.
I've lost my grandfather, a father when mine was away; I've lost my Great grandmother; I've lost my Uncle, who was more like a brother to me; I've watched my childhood home go up in flames and not be able to do anything but sit there....as the flames engulfed everything I'd ever known.
I'm clearly expendable by my friends, my family barely pays any attention to me...no matter how much anyone cares...I wouldn't know because nothing is ever expressed to me.
And I can't take it.
Any of it.
I just want to fade out of the picture. I don't want to cause anyone any pain by my absense, but I don't want my presence anymore. The pain I feel can only be compared to that of ripping one's still beating heart from their chest cavity, and stabbing it over and over again before their dying eyes. Raw emtion can make anyone wish they were dead.....and I wish to feel no more.
For thoes of you who know what has been going on very recently, it is not for the exact reason you may thinkg. Rejection did not do this to me, lack of affection, lack of freindship did this to me. Lack of want did this to me, lack of need did this to me.
Tonight I feel as if God has toyed with my soul one too many times. Tonight I believe is the close to, if not the last bit of foolish games I can take. I'm 18 years old....and I've plotted my death over a hurdred times. Tonight makes one more, I'm just so lucky to be a coward; unable to act on what I wish to be....I sit and await the next time I am needed, however short it may be. I'm there when I'm needed, and gone with i'm not. The perfect human slave to the whems of others, all the while my soul is being ripped apart.
I cannot hide, I cannot run, I cannot ignore this anymore. My life eats away at me, day by day, until I reach the point of no return. When and how? No one knows, save who masters the toys in the toy box.
I wish to be alleviated, I wish this pain would stop.....even a moment would give me some sort of my sanity back, would it not?
I spiral around a drain, with each day the sprial becomse smaller, faster as I approach the dark hole in which I am headed to.
Will no one save me?
...
I suppose the silance answer my question.
No matter what happens in my life, I am here for one purpose. To help when needed, and to stand back in the shadows when I am not.
Acceptance is harder to come by than mere words can indicate. And the heartbeats for the day it all will end.
-Lollipop
 lollipop-heart-stab · Thu Mar 13, 2008 @ 04:56am · 0 Comments |
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