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Again... The question I ask to God is "Why ...?" |
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Just Yesterday I learned My Mother has breast Cancer... Shes getting surgery Tomarrow To see how far the Cancer has spred... She may have 6 months to ive or live for 8 years in Pure Ageny of the Kimo Therapy, Just wishing she was dead.
And now that my mom is dieing... She cant pay Child Support money, My dad is okay with that Understanding with her Situation and Allowing her not pay any, We're are going to be even Tighter with Money. We are going to have to cut back on Groceries, Meaning we wont have as much food as Normal So we cannot eat alot, Like 3 times a Day pus a few snacks Every now and then Becuz than We will run out of food.
My brother Is being forced to get a Job and help with the Money Issue, My dad Is getting any Part time Jobs he can Find, And even Im Looking for Jobs i can Do to help with Money. It's all Stressful and sad,...... But its nothing Im not used to.
And Acually,.... To My very own Surprise.......... When i learned from my dad that My mom Had Breast cancer, and Theres a Chance she might die Or Suffer for her Remaining amount of her Life..... It saddened me. When I heard that... for some Reason My heart began to Cry on te Inside. I dont know why.... I thought I hated my Mother for hurting me.... Abusing me and My brothers.... Hurting and Batraying my Dad so Many Times... For just Putting my Family thru Living Hell. But.... Later Last Night, While i layed awake thinking About my mom And All My Good and Bad Memories of Her,... I began To cry. It felt weird to Cry.... for I havent cried... Atleast Not on the Outside where Tears Acually fell... In what seems Like years. When ever Im sorrowful or Hurt,... I never literally cry. I cry on the Inside and slowly kill myself In doing so But I wont Allow mySelf to cry anymore. All I've done when My parents first Got Divorced was Cry. I would Cry My self to sleep Everynight... Cry at My brother When he Yelled and Abused me... Cried when My mom Was never around... Cried becuz My dad was Gone and he was really the Only parent of Mine that Ever Loved me At all. I Always Cried. So I got completely Tired of Tears and Sorrow and Now i just cry on the inside....... where no one can See me hurt.... and Sad. So when I literally cried Tears for the Thought of my Mom Dieing a Sad and Very Lonely Death of Breast Cancer ((( I always think of the Worst Possibility in a Situation - I dont know why ))) I was surprised at Myself. But i was acually a little Relieved to have Seen a Side of myself that Felt something. But So, than all last Night after i cried I thought intently on why It made my cry. And I learned that Even tho I was hurt by mom And I resented her a Little for Causing my Life to be Such a Hell, I do Love her As a Mom. For its in my Childs' Nature to Love your Mom no Matter what Horrible things You've been thru or What pain you've Felt becuz Of her. And so..... In learning this while i Thought last Night, I decided. I Decided to Write her a Letter.... Befor I learn How bad the Cancer has Spred After tomarrow, And just communicate to Her How I have resented her for the Past few years of my Life but that I still Love her in my Heart of Hearts, And That I've been filled with an Huge amount of Regret and Sorrow Over this Very Sudden Past hours of Dramatic change.
And So..... I feel very sorrowful Right now.... As Soon as everything is Looking Up in my Family, and everything is Getting better and Better, God smites My Family and Delivers a Huge draught of Ever-ending Stress, Regret, Worry, and Depression. My dad said a year Ago That God shall Smite my Mother for Her Regetable Actions Of Cheating And 'Sin' And that She Will Reap what She Sows. And i was okay with that. I Acually waited for that Day to come..........But now......... Shes dieing and Has Breast Cancer. And To me, Even for God, That is a harsh way To have her 'Reap what she Sows'. And I Wish that there was a less Tramatic Experience that Could of Happened, That Wouldn't Have effected My Dad, My Brothers, and I so much, and that Wouldn't have been so Sudden and frightening as My mom Finding out She has Breast Cancer. I've found myself Ask this Question So much to the Sky, towards My Heavenly Father'... Why ?
This isnt all The details of what Is going on. My mom is dieing all alone, No family (ofcorse) and None of her friends care about her that Much to Visit her in the Hospital as she is in there For Breast Cancer ( (all her friends are Just 'buddies' at The Bar she goes to) ). So anyway, Im to lost about the Situation to be concerned to share all The Details.... I just needed to Put all This so i have so Way to get a little of what Im feeling and Whats going on Out of my System and Out into the World.
Im not getting Gaia very Often for awhile.... Right now..... Gaia seems so Childish compared to the Gloomy reallality of My life. And When I am Here on Gaia I will probly seem Sad and Quiet. None of My friends can understand how my world has been Turned completely up-sidedown In a matter of such a sort Time... It hasnt even been an Entire Full 24 hours Sense all This has Been learned, And None of them can Understand what a Emotional Torture Im going thru Right now..
My Life was Horrible... it got little better... It got really worse... stayed bad for a while.... got a tad better but Still sucked..... got better......... got even more better Till the Point i could Be happy......... Now My Mom Is threatened By Disease and We are Threatened to go into Debt or Live on the Streets Even, Its gone from Happy-land with Laughter and Omg Joy to Why the Hell Does God Hate Me and My Family so Much ?
 forcing myself 2b social · Sat Jan 12, 2008 @ 04:12pm · 1 Comments |
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