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Will you miss me when I'm gone? (My response) |
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Ohhhhhh my goodness.... how many times did I ask myself "Will they miss me when I'm gone?" while I stared forlornly at a butcher knife?
Too many to count... but that was actually quite a while ago... and yet not that long ago, in a sense.
I was clinically depressed during the fifth and almost into the sixth grade though I never actually became suicidal, but once I began to make friends, I started, little by little, to slowly and painfully break free of the chains tying me to my sadness.
Nowadays... it's kinda of hard for me to be really low, but I'm saddest when I'm not with my friends.... which is everyday right now, and will get worse once I'm halfway across the world...
So... basically, I just told you why I'm not suicidal. (but not why I haven't been.)
Because I know now that there are people in this world and are a part of my life who would cry if I died too soon, and I don't want to make them cry.
As for why I was contemplating suicide... I had quite literally no friends in school, and just about everybody picked on me, even in class. The teachers didn't do a damned thing about it until my mother wrote an angry letter to the principal, and I'm starting to wonder if it may have been a racial thing, though I really hope it wasn't a factor in the least.
Those dark feelings slowly started to fade once I met and befriended and was befriended by a bespectacled, lanky, freckled girl with hazel eyes and a fragile smile that could break out into an almost manic grin that endeared me to her very much. That girl today is the great Seseilia on Gaia, and she now has the confidence of a supermodel (personally speaking) and yet it seems like I, among a priviledged few, can still embarass her. XD
I love that woman. In a sense, she was my first true friend in school.
A short while later, I met an older girl with dark hair and was of short stature. At first, my friendship with this girl was odd to say the least, but it blossomed, as I found myself excited to find someone who was as into video games as I was... and beyond!
This girl is a great artist (personally speaking, she's better than me, but then we both have our own styles!) and I'm so proud of her... she graduated this year!! ^__^
I met those two girls when I was in the sixth grade. I was anti-social, felt like everybody hated me and didn't want me around, and I wished I was dead.
I am still close friends with those two girls, am still pretty anti-social, don't really care what other people want of me when it comes to their attempts to bring me down, and yet I know there are people who want me around, and the funny thing is...
They say "Curiosity killed the cat." In fact, my mom told it to me just yesterday...but... in a sense...
My curiosity kept me alive.
I said at the beginning of this 'rant,' "How many times did I ask myself that question?" How many times did I ask myself "Will you miss me when I'm dead?"
It was because I wanted to find out the answer without directly asking anyone that I stayed alive... it was so that I could find out.
So I guess I'm gushing about having at least two awesome friends, but I've been making lots of friends, this school year in particular. XD
And you know what? No boyfriend IRL, I guess, but there is a guy on Gaia that I find myself thinking about a lot. ^__^
So, although those dark thoughts are still on the edge of my mind, and I still find myself staring at butcher knives when I wash them, I think of more things.
"What would have happened if I had died? What would have happened that I wouldn't have been around to witness?"
And more importantly, I find myself thinking of the things that would have NEVER happened, that would have never taken place, and the people that might not even befriend each other BECAUSE I WASN'T alive! O_O;
It's actually a scary thought, and I know I sound arrogant to some degree when I say it, but it makes for some interesting thinking.
There's a whole lot of crap, tears, and happiness that has happened since I was in the sixth grade, and you know what?
I'm glad that I'm alive... because I've got friends that love me and know where I stand.
Overall, I guess I should say, if you don't want to have to cry anymore because you feel like living is more of a pain than it's worth...
Then I would only wish great friends upon you. They're worth the tears. n__n
But then, that's just me being sappy in a stereotyped 'emo' thread. n_n;
Will you all forgive me?
 Sakura Moonflower · Mon Jun 27, 2005 @ 08:00am · 0 Comments |
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