|
What are the three words guaranteed to humiliate men everywhere?
"Hold my purse".
Flying is simple. You just throw yourself at the ground and miss.
Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.
I could've eaten Alphabits and crapped out a better essay!!
After twelve years of therapy my psychiatrist said something
that brought tears to my eyes.
He said, "No hablo ingles."
There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.
It's 11PM, do you know where your pants are?
"Fragile. Do not drop." -- Posted on a Boeing 757
Denial ain't just a river in Egypt.
Your picture's in my wallet and I'm sitting on it. And if that isn't love,
I don't know what is.
He who laughs last didn't get the joke.
I don't have a drinking problem. I drink. I get drunk. I fall down. No problem.
Eat a live toad in the morning,
and nothing worse will happen to you for the rest of the day.
I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.
Where there's a will, there are five hundred relatives.
Someday we'll look back on all this... and plow into a parked car.
There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved
by a suitable application of high explosives.
Accept that some days you're the pigeon and some days you're the statue.
Needing someone is like needing a parachute.
If he isn't there the first time you need him,
chances are you won't be needing him again.
Last night, I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky
and thought to myself, "Where the heck is the ceiling?".
My reality check bounced.
Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons.
For you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup.
You're slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.
When I played in the sandbox the cat kept covering me up.
When I was born the doctor took one look at my face,
turned me over, and said "Look ... twins!"
Tell a man there are 300 Billion stars in the universe and he'll believe you.
Tell him a bench has wet paint on it and he'll have to touch to be sure.
The Lord's Prayer is 66 words, the Gettysburg Address is 286 words,
there are 1,322 words in the Declaration of Independence,
but government regulations on the sale of cabbage total 26,911 words.
I'd rather have a bottle in front of me, than a frontal lobotomy.
The more you think about things, the weirder they seem. Take this milk.
Why do we drink *cow* milk??
Who was the guy who first looked at a cow and said,
"I think I'll drink whatever comes out of these things when I squeeze 'em!"?
Why in a country of free speech, are there phone bills?
Did you ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you?
But when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window!
Never say "Oops" in the operating room.
If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is
"God is crying." And if he asks why God is crying,
another cute thing to tell him is "probably because of something you did."
 Ophrysia · Thu Jun 21, 2007 @ 09:41pm · 0 Comments |
