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I started writing this but i don't even know what to write here in the first place. Everything in my life right now is so messed up, but at least some of it is consistent.
like the fact that when i'm not home my parents act like they miss me and want me back home; but when i'm home they act like they don't want me, and wish i was gone because "they can't afford me" blah blah blah blah blah blah. It's like they're blaming me for their financial trouble, and now that my sister is not longer under 18 they won't be getting any extra funding from the government anymore. I just hate it alot and all of that makes me feel unwanted in my family even though i know it's not my fault at all.
My parents aren't very supportive of me either, they say they are but they have a very odd way of showing it. Like the other day i checked my final grades on the courses i took this past semester and i had failed one. I tell my dad and like five minutes later he's like " Maybe you should just not go back, and try going into a different direction" and i argued back "and do what be stuck in a dead end job the rest of my life? "
I'm not exactly the smartest person in the world, at least book smart anyway. I'm not like my sister miss straight A student, and miss athletic girl who could totally be a professional athlete in something if she commited herself to her sports better. I've been pushing and pushing for her to decide to go into something to do with sports when she goes to university and my parents have been suggesting church work. That girl belongs in the sports scene and i'm probably the only one who sees that.
I'm the artistic one in my family, and the only thing i'm really really good at that i can do without even having to think about it is sing, but try getting a career out of that in a short amount of time with no support from my family, no resources and not being able to write good lyrics or music of any sort at all. Oh yes i've tried and failed miserably every time. but on top of that i'd still have to find somewhere to properly record it and have the money to produce multiple copies of a demo disc and then send them all to the major recording industries and hope that one of them likes it so much they're willing to hear more and issue out a recording contract.
but that's extremely difficult, and the only other way available to me right now is Canadian Idol, I've auditioned twice, didn't make it very far, and it's not that i can't sing. I have certificates and judication forms that would say otherwise. It's because i don't have the "image" which is the major problem with the music industry today. Nobody cares about the music anymore, it's a popularity contest by who looks the best, oh and it doesn't help that the majority of music being made by the most popular artists today talk about either sex, drugs, or money, or all three, and other topics varying slightly from that. Oh yes way to help society.
These people are supposed to be rolemodels. but they do a pretty poor job of it, if that is the kind of image that the artists are reflecting on the youth of the world.
The songs that should be heard, are gone unheard except by the people who are out of the "norm" or the "cool groups" .
Even movies that have significant meanings go unseen, or are seen but the message just doesn't get through and it's lost.
Movies that shouldn't even have been made movies and might as well have just been very censored pornography are made, like My super ex-girlfriend. Yeah i watched it. Had i known that's what it was going to be like i wouldn't have asked my dad to buy it when we found it really cheap at Wal mart a few months ago.
and now i've just gone way way off topic back to the unloading stress system...
okay parents say they're supportive but really aren't.
I still don't have a job yet, my parents still don't get it's not the easiest thing in the world to do. My dad should know, he's been trying to get a better job than working at the shell he works at in town, for well over a year.
I don't exactly have the skills needed for jobs in town, and i'm not the number one person someone would want to hire. If i were an employer i wouldn't even hire me.
In town it's like the endless circle, to get a job you need experience but because you don't have any experience you can't get a job to get required experience.
If we lived in the city aka Regina, or any other city things would be much much better and i'd have more options at my disposal. But from where i am i have no way of getting there so i'm stuck.
I'm not who my parents want me to be, and they want me to be someone i'm not and i hate it and it's driving me insane. I'm going to die of a heart attack or something caused by stress at this rate.
My parents are being unfarily selfish, in so many things, more than what i'm writing about in this, because there are just some things i can't write about here when my thoughts are all over the place; They're thinking of what they want and not taking into consideration of what I want and it's not fair. This is my life, not theirs, i wish they'd just back off for a change.
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