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One is the loneliest number you could ever do...
The title of this journal is a lyric from "One" by Three Dog Night. It's a good song, introduced to me by a friend of mine. You should listen to it, if you already haven't.
I feel utterly crappy. Just a small portion of how I've been feeling lately. *Sigh*
Today, I got a 68% on my math test. But consider this: out of all 95 geometry students that my teacher has, 14 of them either got D's or F's. That's about 15% of the students. So that means...I am part of that 15%...that dumb factor. I'm dumb. And I worked hard to understand everything in this chapter. And if it wasn't for damned geometric mean...I would have gotten a B. Damn my stupidity, for I still don't understand geometric mean...
I've been trying to figure out who I got my dumbness from. But my parents are very intelligent people, my brother had a 4.0 all throughout school, and my sister (though lacking in math skills) is an extremely hard worker and succeeds with soaring colors. But me? No. I'm stupid, and I'm lazy. Even if I do study, it never benefits me. Unless it's vocabulary words. But that. Is. It.
Of course, all this thinking leads to my usual complaint: why am I ugly, etc. I've been noticing that the folds on my stomach have been growing larger, and more numerous, and it's frightening me. At the beginning of the school year, I was around 120lbs. Now I'm around what...135lbs? And it only seems to be my stomach that is growing. And they say fat on a woman goes to the hips and breasts. My a** it does. My chest is still as flat, and my thighs, well, they're probably getting bigger.
And the acne is getting more numerous, or larger. I don't know, but there's this huge, huge pimple on my face right now (mostly underground). And the scabs and the scars just contort my horrid features even more.
I'm also lovesick, and that makes me even more depressed. To know that the only guy who would ever lay eyes on me, love me, respect me, trust me, listen to me, talk to me...lives somewhere else. No other guy here, where I live, would ever do that for me. I do have a few good guy friends, and I adore them much, but of course, they aren't attracted to me in that way (and they are too good of friends for me to consider it). But there is nothing for them to consider about me. I'm not smart, I'm not pretty, and I do not have a nice body or personality.
But this also makes me wonder...how can he love me?! What does he see in me...I am nothing special or extraordinary.
I'm just an ugly mess, and it didn't come from my family, because everyone else in my family is very intelligent and beautiful. I derived all of this from myself.
Alright, I'm done complaining. But don't whine to me in this journal that I "complain too much about dumb stuff". I don't complain like this to people, unless they pester me for it, and I feel like I can rant about what I want in here, whenever I want. Remember: it's your fault for reading this, no one forced you to.
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Community Member
Yes you are. To me. And don't make me explain it again because we've gone through that process before and it's really hard for me to explain.