• Shivering, shaking
    From ash to debris
    Slowly awakening
    From a lonely dream

    Weren't you dead?
    It's what I thought
    A long, long time ago
    It's what mommy said
    So I let you go

    Through these eyes of mine
    I could only see
    A fake, made-up reality
    The sounds I have heard
    Were all lies
    I've always had a father
    But I didn't know he was alive

    Choking up your dead
    For the third Sunday in June
    I slowly built up a wall
    Until I was immune
    To crying about growing up
    Without a father..
    That's you.

    When I was 8
    My sister shook me awake
    and showed me how harsh
    Reality could be

    When I was only twelve
    I was able to spell
    The words that I could not speak

    I'm thirteen now
    Daddy, guess what?
    Only now I found out
    You left me at the age of three
    Right after I took my first steps
    and learned the word 'Daddy'.

    Now I lay awake at night
    Tears rolling down my cheeks
    Thinking
    'Daddy, I feel weak.
    I don't know who's eyes I have,
    I don't know this face I see,
    All of these things are yours
    and although I'm nearing five foot eight
    No matter how tall I will grow
    Because of you, I feel meek.

    Don't you want to see
    How your baby girl grew up?
    Or is you can't face me
    because it's too much?

    What about me, dad?
    What about me?
    What about my sister, my mother and me?
    You know, your other family?

    Do you know much hurt
    You put onto me?
    The weight of an anvil
    is slowly crushing me

    What was it like for me
    To grow up, hearing strangers say
    "You look just like your father!"?
    But I don't know your face.

    Daddy please, all I want
    Is a few seconds of your time
    Can you tell me why I'm crying
    In the middle of the night?

    As I get older, I hurt more
    Learning pieces of the truth
    Although its not physical
    This is emotional abuse

    You don't tell a 4 year old girl
    That her father is dead
    When she looks adopted next to her mother
    and she can't explain it to her friends
    Why? Because after a decade of years
    She still can't say
    What she fears

    But I'll tell you right now
    Why I cry at night
    and it's all because of you
    That I'm so bright..

    I've been told that the more hardships you go through
    The stronger you become
    But what if its too much of a weight to bear
    And the pain and your soul become one?

    The fact that strangers know your face
    The fact that they know your name
    The fact that they know what I've become
    and the fact that you can't look at my face.

    When you can't even look me in your own small, round eyes
    It hurts because its just like
    Looking into a mirror
    Then starting to cry
    I've seen so many photos of you
    From when I was small
    The saddest thing of all
    is that my sister couldn't remember you at all
    She couldn't remember your voice, your face
    'Cause you left all too soon
    Remember, she was about eight
    and unless I'm dumb, or quite confused
    Eight seems good enough
    To remember things about you..

    Like your name, your face
    Your interests too
    At least you two have memories
    What the hell do I do?
    I don't know my origin
    You make me feel lost and confused
    and I get tired of dwelling on the past
    So its the opposite I choose

    What will you do when I graduate?
    You were never there for me
    For when I first aced a few tests
    Will you be there
    When I get my college degree?

    What will you do
    On my wedding day?
    This makes me cry the most
    It's supposed to be a happy day
    But what about the damned
    Father-Daughter dance?
    Am I supposed to say
    "Sorry, he died and came back alive one day
    He couldn't even come for me on this special day."
    Who will walk me down the aisle
    And lead me to man
    Who's never met my father
    'cause I'd be damned
    If you actually appeared
    to support me for that one day

    Through out the ages
    I have grown
    Without you, I'm trying to learn
    How to be strong on my own
    But I have no one to lean
    No one to share the weights
    Because no one really cares
    About what this girl has to say

    Through out all those times
    I cried and got hurt
    I wondered if you'd care
    if I was thrown off the Earth

    So throughout the ages
    That will come
    I'll be alive and smiling
    Knowing how far I'd have come
    Without you, I cried
    But I hope I'll be stronger then
    To learn to stop sobbing
    Over what was 'then'.

    For now, this is now
    My tears have yet to end
    Daddy, I don't know if I love you
    'Cause I never had the chance.