As yet untitled

• Artist: vonnsilva
• Description: A poem inspired by a song-If you know what you're talking about please critique. A title suggestion would also be welcome.
• Date: 11/25/2009
• Tags: untitled

"Hey, gringo girl, he says. "Slide on the floor loose
but slip into something tight
and let's dance tonight."
He makes me take the maracas,
And his hips, the knives,
Scalpel the saucy air.
A doctor, his fingers dabble
In the deep ends of my stomach.
He spills me out,
And I drip, damp, down my legs.
I try to dance, to mix the maracas
With the mess on the floor
But I am only able to make noise.

Comments

[Kittilord]

Sweet.

[TheKhamaseen]

Neat, I like some of your other poems better but this one is good. it makes me think of Tom Eno, and that time me and danyella danced.

I've got a critique- Make it even more grotesque. the rape-iness, slipping on feminne excriments, make it even more graphic