• It wasn't really untill this school year that it really sunk in the reason why ADHD is a disorder.
    Attention Deficit Hyperactive Disorder.
    I always thought of having it was a gift, a blessing, something that made me stand out from everyone.
    Something that made me special, unique.
    But it didn't change the fact that I still had trouble
    with math, science, anything.
    ADHD is a disorder
    Not a gift.

    ***** and I were talking about a month ago
    About ISB, homework, grades
    What our parents would do for us if we got straight A's
    "It's like impossible to get straight A's in this school" ***** had said
    "Yeah" I agreed, then paused. "Well, not impossible." I said
    I remember she looked surprised, and before she could ask who I answered her question.
    "You know, **** *****, ****** ***" I prompted her.
    "Yeah, well, they have no lives, seriously" she had replied.
    And even though I didn't say it out loud I replied to her
    "Yeah, well, they don't have ADHD either!" meaning it to be playful and not to have much meaning to it.
    But I realized how much truth there was to my thoughts.
    They don't have ADHD. They were normal
    They were the perfect students.
    Straight A students.
    And when I thought this, I felt sad.
    It was so sad...
    Frusterating
    Agrivating
    But mostly sad.
    They had a huge advantage compared to me.
    And it made me so depressed to think about that.
    And it made me think
    "Do I even have a chance?"
    or was everything I did, everything I tried to do to be ahead
    To be the best
    Was the best I could ever manage
    Just enough to keep up with the group
    Just enough to avoid being left behind by the crowd?
    thinking this makes everything feel so hopeless
    And feel so purposeless.
    But most of all
    It's disapointing to realize that I can never reach their level of achievement in this school.

    I get more anxiety attacks now.
    It's mostly in math though.
    But when I go to the teacher for help
    Theres an immense pressure that just build up in me.
    My hands get sweaty, they tremble.
    And I feel like I will break down and crumble.
    And everything sounds so loud
    Or it sounds completely quiet.
    But most of all it's incredibly frightening.
    If I try and do homework I cant do it.
    I'm holding water.
    I understand it but I can never grasp it.
    It will keep slipping through my fingers, and fall in the bucket below me
    Where I have to scoop up that water and try again to hold it.
    And have it fall back into that bucket.
    Homework seems like an impossible task for me now.
    And all I can do is stare at it.
    I always think that if I stare at it long enough it will come to me.
    And it used to sometimes
    But the only thing that comes to me now are tears
    I can't calm myself anymore
    I can't think at all.
    It's the "gift" of ADHD
    It's so scary to do this
    And its so humiliating that I can't understand it
    Because *** gets it and hes a grade younger than me and is supposed to be in Algebra
    ***** does too
    Even *****.
    And its so humiliating to feel like the only one who doesn't get it
    Although I know I'm not.
    School isn't made for people like us.
    ADD, ADHD, Autism, Aspergers
    It's made for the people at the top of the bell curve
    And anyone that falls to the side?
    Two words:
    YOUR SCREWED

    Looking at the perfect people never makes you feel better.
    Because it always makes you wonder
    "Why can't I be like them?"

    It's sad.
    Because perfect people will always have the advantage over us.
    People like us are a special kind of cursed.