• Looking back on things now, I wonder why I was never happy. I wonder why nothing was ever good enough for me. How I was always looking at life as a task rather than an adventure. Now, there’s so much I regret, so much I wish I had changed. Opportunities I wish I had taken. Favors I wish I had done. But, I guess there’s no use dwelling on it now. I’ve accepted my mistakes. But there’s one mistake that I can never shove to the back of the closet in my mind.

    December in the Northeast was almost always chilly and unpleasant. Well, the snow was pretty, but I would have rather been inside with a cup of hot chocolate. Yes, staring at a white snow flurry through fogged windows by a cozy fire was ideal for me. Unfortunately, this wasn’t the same for Jacob. In fact, let me introduce you to Jacob.

    My mom calls him my opposite. He loves the outdoors, being active, and of course, snow. He’s rarely ever down about anything, and I must admit I admire his drive; if he want’s something, he’ll do anything to get it. I never had that much patience. And, so looking at him, and looking at me, I don’t understand what it was that made us click. But we got along great, and rarely ever argued the whole eight months or so we were together.

    So it happened to be an unbearably cold, nose-nipping day when my cell phone rang. Snug under my covers, still lazing around in bed at noon with no intentions of stirring, I hesitantly flipped open my phone and muttered some sort of muffled greeting.

    “Linds!”, answered the enthusiastic nap-ruiner on the other line. I knew that voice anywhere.
    “Jacob, you know I’m not up yet.”, I answered grumpily.
    “Bet you are. Probably just layin’ there too snug to get up.” Damn, he knew me well. “So what’re ya doin’ today?”
    “Not sleeping.”, was my sarcastic reply.
    “Great! That means you’ll come with me to Evergreen Lake, right?”, He answered with a sort of hopeful edge to his tone. “It’s frozen over nicely, perfect for ice skatin’. I’ll teach ya how-“
    ”Oh come ON, it has to be below zero out there! You honestly want me, ME, to go out there?”, I interrupted, sitting up.
    “Bundle up, babe. I haven’t seen you all weekend, we’re obviously not going to have school tomorrow, and I miss you.” Boy, he knew how to sweet talk. And by the way, I’d forgotten it was even Sunday. “I’ll pick you up at five?”
    “Ergghh. Alllrigghtttt. I’ll see you then.” Jacob get’s his way again.
    “Great! Love you,” Click.

    Now this is where I wish I’d gone back to. Of course, I stared out the window at the white wonderland of ICE. The snow? Oh, that wasn’t snow. It had to be ice at that temperature. Groaning, I got up out of bed and stretched. I still had a while until five to do whatever. So I decided that, since I’d be suffering hypothermia later, I might as well spend the day in front of the TV with hot chocolate, a blanket, and a bag of chips.

    Mistake. 4:30 rolled around, and was I about to budge? Besides, a marathon of my favorite soap was on. And Maggie was about to discover Chris was cheating on her! I took a deep breath and stared at my legs. Nope, they weren’t about to move.

    There was only one thing I could do. Call Jacob ‘sick’. I knew it was wrong. I knew it. But, in my own defense, it was cold! So, reaching into the pocket of my sweat pants, about two sizes too big for me, I flipped open my cell phone and dialed him up. Clearing my throat, I forced a hoarse ‘Hello’.

    “Linds, is that you?” Jacob asked.
    “Ah, uh, yeah.” Cough cough. “We still on for five?”
    “Well yeah, but what’s wrong? You sound horrible.” HA, I had him.
    “Oh, uh, it’s just a little sore throat.” Cough, HACK, coughcough. “I’m okay.”
    “You don’t sound okay, are you sure?”
    Now this is where I really had to play it off.
    “..well, I guess I’m not.” I muttered, sniffling and sounding disappointed.
    “Babe, there’s no way I’m letting you go out with you sounding like that.” He informed me, concerned. Bingo!
    “But Jacob, I-“
    ”No buts. I don’t want you catching the pneumonia. Hey, why don’t I come over and keep you company?” So kind of him to offer, but it wouldn’t work.
    “ACTUALLY no! I mean, I wouldn’t want you catching it..” I uttered, clearing my throat obnoxiously. He paused.
    “Oh, alright. You.. You’re sure?”
    “Yes.. I’m sorry.”
    “No, no. It’s alright. I really hope you feel better. I’ll call you in a bit.” Aha! Problem solved.
    “Okay darling. Love you.” Click.

    This is where anybody would probably kick me in the butt for making such a stupid mistake. I just blew off my ever-loyal boyfriend for a soap and chips. But I could always call him up tomorrow; miraculously cured of my horrible sore throat. So I snuggled up under my blanket, and sat through another couple episodes.

    Somewhere between the time my parents came home and some silly sitcom replacing the marathon, my mind began to dwell. I was feeling a bit anxious. It was 9:07, he still hadn’t called. He would have called by now. He didn’t go to bed until around 11, anyways. And, I was starting to feel really bad for what I did. Really, really bad. Bad to the point where I wasn’t about to sit there.

    So what did I do? Brain-dead, probably from the all the waves radiating from the TV for the many hours I was vegetating in front of it, I decided I’d just drive up and see if he was home. I decided that I’d explain a dosage of cough drops and tea had soothed my throat, and make it up to him by cuddling up to watch a DVD or something. Perfect.

    Dressing up as if I was taking a road trip to Alaska, I informed my parents of my leave before swiftly walking out the door and carefully walking over to my car, a horror DVD in my hand. The ground was slippery but I was careful, and after a few times failing to get the car started, it finally gave in and I was backing up out of the driveway.

    People can be very stupid when it came to driving. Despite this fact, I decided that since I was such a careful driver, a seatbelt would be of no importance to me. Besides, I was busy trying to wipe the fog off the windshield so I could see. For some reason, the heat was making it fog up. I could only imagine why.

    But the fog wasn’t going away. Or, so it seemed. It just seemed to get.. whiter. Whiter? No, it was getting brighter. Brighter; what the hell? Peering through my windshield, my heart dropped down into my stomach. Two white lights were pummeling towards me, lighting up my ghostly expression. I froze, taking in a deep breath as they came closer, and closer.

    It was a blur of sounds and lights. I was cold, and I was no longer in my car. I could feel very little, but my cheek on pavement and sharp blades of glass. Something cold and wet was running down my arm. I could barely see, and the whir of sounds kept echoing in my head. The silhouettes of people standing over me, sirens piercing the cold, crisp air. I felt myself quivering, my cold body otherwise motionless against the pavement. And my eyes closed.

    It seemed as if I’d been asleep for hours, but where was I? My heart stopped, I was still laying down. But I no longer felt the cold; I no longer felt the glass, the pain. However, the sound of sirens was still present, but it was distant. And it was dark. Slowly, I pushed myself up. Was I in the hospital? No, no, it was too dark. My eyes began to adjust as I slowly stood up, realizing that I seemed perfectly fine. It didn’t make sense. But soon enough, I realized where I was. I had seen this place many times before. Soccer trophies, car posters, and a ridiculous little teddy bear that was all too familiar.

    “Jacob?” I whispered, confused. How the hell did I end up in Jacob’s room? Stiffening, I strained over to where his bed was. Somebody was in it, of course, probably Jacob. His alarm clock read 10:13, and I stood there in a daze. I thought I was going mad; I was still hearing sirens. Rubbing my eyes, I slowly walked over to his bed. Where had I been? Was it all just a dream? Had I fallen asleep during the DVD?
    “Jacob?” I whispered again, standing over his bedside. Sound asleep. I leaned in a little closer, hands on my knees. “Jacob!”

    Something caught my eye. Glancing up, I noticed out of his slightly-fogged window red and blue lights flashing. Squinting, I left his beside and walked over to the window, staring out at the lights. My eyes adjusted, and I observed the scene a ways up the street.

    Two cars were totaled on the side of the road. People were crowded around in a semi circle, near an ambulance and two police cars. There was something on the ground. I leaned closer into the window, resting my hands on the sill. A still silhouette of a person was laying on the ground, dressed in a puffy pink coat and a pear of jeans, stained with blood. It took me a moment, but it clicked. My eyes bulged, heart throbbing and my face turning pale. I looked down at my pink coat and jeans.

    No, this couldn’t be. This can’t be happening... I thought to myself, swirling around and staring at the angelic sleeping figure in the bed. I stumbled back to his beside, collapsing on my knees halfway to his bed.

    “Jacob!” I screamed in horror, nearly choking on his name as it slipped off my tongue. He didn’t even stir. I scrambled on hands and knees to his bed side, fighting back tears. It had to be a dream, it had to be.
    “Jacob,” I cried out, shaking my head. “Jacob, wake up! Wake-“

    This is when reality struck. I reached out and shook him, but he didn’t budge. It was as if I wasn’t even there. Withdrawing my hand, I stared into his soft, innocent face. I watched his side rise and fall. Sound asleep. Tears began to alter my vision, and I blinked, wiping them off my cold cheeks.

    Slowly falling back to rest on my knees, I noticed something poking out from beneath the covers. Clearing my throat, I slowly pulled the covers back, as if I would have disturbed him despite I could not wake him. To my horror, he was grasping a picture. I barely recognized the girl in the picture, but it clicked. It was my yearbook picture from last year. I looked so different. Looking back up to him, I began to sob. I began unconsciously running my fingers through his hair, my warm tears falling on his sheets. However, it did not seem to make them wet.

    Nobody could feel the anger, the regret, the shame I felt. If I hadn’t been so lazy, this would have never happened. Now I had to live- well, no. Not live. I was dying. I had made the ultimate mistake, and I paid for it. However, this didn’t bug me nearly as much as realizing I would never see him again. Realizing I would never feel his touch, his arms around me. Never see his brilliant smile again.

    Eventually, I felt myself fading away. The paramedics down the street were lifting my dying body into the ambulance, but they did not hurry. They knew. I could feel my heart beat slow. I could feel my breaths becoming shorter, and my body becoming weaker. My vision was blurring, and the drifting sounds of the sirens seemed to be echoing again. I was leaving him.

    I had made it to where I was trying to go, but I didn’t know what to do. It was too late to say I was sorry.. Or was it? I was becoming translucent, my surroundings were blurring. But I could still see his face. Hurriedly, I choked out my last words.

    “I’m so sorry, Jacob. I’m so sorry. I love you so much..”

    And I was gone.

    I can still remember his smile. His laugh. And I still have regret. But I realized that there’s nothing I can do about it now, and thinking back to what I wish I had done won’t bring me back.

    But I can offer a word of advice. There so much I can say, but I’ll keep it short; when you really care about somebody, it’s important to cherish every moment. Because you never know when it’ll be your last.