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original version: As I watch the blood flow from my wrists and on to the floor, I am reminded of the sins I have made. All the hate built up inside my heart, and all of the love I've lost. The tears poured down from my eyes like rain. I felt like he was watching me, waiting for me to admit I was wrong. I glared at the puddle of blood at my feet, and then puddle of the darkest tears lying next to it. I hold up a knife in my right hand and my heart in the other. My screams sounded like the devil had just burst through the gates of hell and had let a thousand evil souls. The knife penetrated trough my heart and I watched the blood drip out the other end. I fell flat on my back, and for once I truly felt alive. I no longer had to suffer the pain of life, the pain of love, and the pain of hate.
edited version: I could handle this anymore, i decided to just end it right there. My face was drenched in tears, I couldn't control myself at all. I held a knife in my right hand and my heart in the other. I whispered goodbye as I penetrated the once beating heart, a second later I found myself on the ground. I screamed, like a thousand evil spirits had broken through the gates of hell. I caught a glimpse of my new creation, the knife was sticking out the other end followed by a bloodstained carpet surrounding me. In a prone position, all my tears soaked the floor. I felt like the devil was looking up at me, saying "Welcome to hell." and Jesus was looking down on me shaking his head in shame saying, "What have I created." I was in a better place now. No longer on earth, where I would have died anyway. I no longer was left to suffer the dark nightmares of life anymore, I was free. Forever
edited again: It was midnight, the full moon lit up the dark night sky. I cried softly, my tears drenched my face and fell to the floor. I had been forgotten, I walked outside with a knife. The passing bystanders didn't stop me, I had given up so many times. I never had loved, so I knew I had nothing to lose. I lay in the road with a knife, I stab what should have been my heart. I scream, loud as ever, like a thousand evil spirits had burst through the gates of hell-- laughing at...me. Death felt good, like all my problems had just left me, had forgotten me, just like everyone else in the world. I choked out one last goodbye before the process was complete. I laid there, with my last breath to breath. Then it was over, I was free. Forever
- Title: Forgotten Angel
- Artist: hinda_luv
- Description: I'm a new writer, learning in the process
- Date: 05/12/2009
- Tags: tears forgotten angel
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Comments (5 Comments)
- Princess of Darkness 365 - 01/02/2010
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I LOVE it! Write more! The little errors are okay, because everyone has those, lol. Its amazing, your such a good writer! Much better than me lol. biggrin
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- Saga Shadow - 07/13/2009
- Actually, switching between past and present tense can help your story a lot. It can create a sense of confusion that makes it more interesting. Anyway, I give it a 4/5.
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- MiniMooseTheSecond - 05/19/2009
- if you didnt add the text in the parenthesis in the end it wouldve been great, i'm rating 5 stars.
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- Broken Insecurity - 05/12/2009
- O.O I like it. A little small errors, but everyone has those. Good job though. ^-^
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- Lieutenant-Momo - 05/12/2009
- Well, it's a nice beginning but you are switching between past and present tense. I do it quite a bit so maybe you should find out which one you like the most and stick with it, that's what helps me when I write.
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