death at sight PT 1

• Artist: edwardR97
• Description: little boy is a wonderer and is murdered for no apperent reason.
  this story shows how clueless the world is,and how its such a deep ,dark ,and sary place it can be when you are alone.
• Date: 04/13/2009
• Tags: death sight

A little boy named jack hauthorn was a wonderer .He is not thankful for all the useless things his rich parents buy him.So what he does is sneak out of the house while his parents are way to busy to see what he is doing.He walks through the dark streets of Los Angeles.Happy that he is free from his big house and out on the streets of a big city.He then realizes that he is lost, he feels cold and scared. His happyness shatered be the thought of not going back home.Then he hears gun shots screaming and yelling, he starts to cry and sob in a dark alley way.He then walks out of the alley,then he was knocked out......the next day his parents found him lying on the side walk near their house as they stop at a stop sign on the way to work.Two years later his mother killed her self because of the depresion of losing her only son.His dad became a detective for the L.A. P.D. so he could find his son's muderer.

He still hasn't found Jack's murderer.

Comments

[TheGuardianArcana]

Well, I'm a spelling and grammar Nazi so I won't go too far with that, but Grim does have a point with tense and wandering. Also it seems a little rushed. That could just be me biggrin

[GrimAzrael]

Very nice. The only real problem I have with it is that you switch between writing in the present ("He is not thankful for all the useless things his rich parents buy him" wink and the past tense ("A little boy named Jack Hauthorn was a wonderer" wink . Also, just to let you know, he would be a wanderer, because he doesn't just sit and think about things. The actual story is good though!

[Azalea Eva]

woah..
i thought this was fiction dude!
intense and inspiring!