- "Were is SHE?" I hear voices from a close distance behind me, but I dont care. I keep running , pushing my legs faster. Not caring about the burning pulse in my chest. Soon the voices are fading and im almost out of the infirmry. The burning ache is growing. My breath shortening. I slam into the large glass doors shoving them open with a great amount of force. I turn the corner to the elevater, hoping once inside ill calm my racing heart. I punch the key into the lock, turn it and listen for the ding. I finally hear it and poke the down arrow about a thousand times. The elevater doors finally open, but I can still hear the voices calling my name. "Cordelliana!" I jump inside the elevater just as they round the corner and some nurses point at me. "Finally..." I whimper breathly. I slowly caught my breath though my heart still pounded pianfully. I grabed at the ugly pink floral dress my mother bought for me. I hear another ding and look up to see the word LOBBY was light up red. I stood to my feet and waited agian for a another ding to tell me the door would open. When it did I walked painfully into the loud lobby.
- by cutestuff519 |
- Fiction
- | Submitted on 11/04/2008 |
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- Title: untitled for now
- Artist: cutestuff519
- Description: a story i wrote randomly but just got to into it. its short but every once a week ill wrote more...
- Date: 11/04/2008
- Tags: untitled
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Comments (4 Comments)
- Epic Dino Rawr - 11/07/2008
- Wow thats awsum. I lik hw u write.
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- BlackStar_Hanyou - 11/04/2008
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I love the suspense, but...
It's choppy, with lots of fragments that don't belong. Try using semi-colons and commas to combine sentences. Also, find a spell and grammar checker to help with misplaced and misspelled words. Finally, make sure you're using words in the right situations. I don't think 'whimper' fits when you use it. Try whisper or mutter instead and see how it feels.
The idea is a great concept; I'm very curious as to why she's running away. The execution just needs work. - Report As Spam
- lolgirl411 - 11/04/2008
- WOW... write more that was 10 times better than i could do.
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