Your never too young to die...

• Artist: twearly_66
• Description: This story makes you look around conors with a mirror,carry a knife as self defence,and in bad cases commit suicide so it will go away......This story tells you 'Death is coming,you cant run and you cant hide...'
• Date: 07/24/2008
• Tags:

CHAPTER ONE

The Blood Drinkers


Blood dripped from Aimee's mouth.She had been out cold for a few minutes,she had been walking home from school when it had happend,now she new,now she knew what had happened to her town ever since The Blood Drinkers had arrived.They were not vampires,but they were different....They wern't human, no-one knew what they were, just that they had to run from them.

The Blood Drinker had not yet left Aimee's side, he was touching her face with his cold stoney hand, waiting,waiting for the right time.The Blood Drinker was hooded, he was tall, his face was hidden by his long drifting cloak.......Then suddenly he dropped his cold lips onto Aimee's chest.He tore open her blouse and ripped at her skin; he had reached flesh. He was sucking at the blood. Suddenly the moon turned crimson and the beast was pulled up into the air. He had done his job. He had killed the only one who could defeat them......Or so he thought........


To Be Continued

Aimee had been in hospitl for weeks. She had enternal bleeding and lung failure. On that cold night Aimee nearly died; if it hadn't been for the baker who found her, well you know that story.
Today was Aimee's last day in the hospital. She had no idea what had happened to her. Niether did anyone else.All she knew was that she was going to find out the secret.And she would die trying...........

Comments

[AlexSilverX]

I agree with Mcfeegle on the overuse of the word had, however otherwise I see no real point for you to improve on, original story despite the unoriginal topic. Congratulation

[Mcfeegle]

You use the word had a lot, which, while not always bad, makes the reader feel disconnected from what's going on. If you take out the hads then the action feels a lot more immediate and exciting. A few other notes: internal, not enternal. Watch out for other typos as well.

[twearly_66]

i dont know if i should write more
like all of u said its all messed up

[selket16]

I think the last paragraph should be first, creating a disjointed flashback as to why she's in the hospital. I could be persuaded to read more, keep in mind I can be a grammar b****. Your description, however, is a bit over-the-top and actually detracts from the story by raising expectations higher than 3 paragraphs can achieve

[jibireru]

there are quite a lot of grammar mistakes in it, but the plot line is good. keep it up!

[The Master Demonslayer]

I'll read more!
It's pretty good.

[twearly_66]

its all mixed up sorry the third paragraph goes befor the to be continued if ur intrested in the next bit say and once i have written the next bit i will pm it too you