The man with no voice

• Artist: Dove King
• Description: Two people. A girl and a boy. Both talking about the same man.
• Date: 02/10/2009
• Tags: people

Hello!!!!!. Yes. Who are you? I'v never seen you here before. O sorry. My names...... Your names what? Hey come back. What? O yea. Its Blue. Your names Blue. Lol. What is so funny about it. Nothing. No say it. I can take it. Nothing okay. Thats what I thought. So what was it you wonted to talk to me about. The man that lives over the hill. O that man . What about him? When I first got here I had no idea were my new house was. So I went up for some help. All he did was give me a look of sadness, and ran off. So what's up with him? Maybe he look at you. What was that. Nothing. That man has no voice. What!?! No voice? Yea. Wow I thought it was me. So why would he run off like that? Okay their is something you should know about him. That something would be? Stop talking!! wow. Sorry. Last year around this time. That man came here with one box in his hand and that was it. The next day I want over so say hey. When I got there he was looking at that box like it was his life of something. Then he started to talk to it. He talks? burning_eyes Okay so when he went out side I started to talk to him. You know how are you things like that. All he did was talk about his voice. How he like to talk to him self . things like that. Then the next day he had no voice. Thats it? Thats it. Bye. Okay

Comments

[Tedii-x]

Mhm...nice

[Geuro]

(Part 1)
Okay, a few things. First off, you seriously need to work on your grammatical skills. Secondly, you need to include quotations and some present or past participles as well. I don't know if you were trying to confuse the hell out of your readers, but it isn’t a good idea to do so. Also, your dialog was a little lacking; it didn’t read as if two human beings were talking to one another.

[Geuro]

(Part 2)
More so, it sounded very puerile and unauthentic. The dialoged seemed to be written by a young writer who was trying to make a poignant, avant-garde story, but epically failed. Which brings me to my final point, you’re story wasn’t all that exciting. I grant you the fact Gaia has limitations on how much one can write, but still. If you are going to half a** your prose you mine as well not even post them on this forum for risk of having someone (like me) rip it to shreds.

[Geuro]

(Part 3)
Don’t get me wrong. I’m all for the encouragement and pursuit of young writers, but you seriously need to put in a lot more thought and care into what you put out there. Otherwise you’ll get a lot of confused readers who don’t care for your work. Hang in there Dove King. I’m sure you’ll get better.

[docscowgirl]

AWESOME too abd you didn't put it up for votes.10/10

[Sow It Up K i d]

O.o i had to read it over again but nice job ^^

[Midnightwolf1928]

really confusing without quotation marks or anything, but it was nice